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ENFP woman/ISFJ man, is that just crazy?

dreamgirl — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 16:01:37 GMT

Has anyone had any experience with this combo? I have a "friend" that is an ISFJ man. We have really had some rocky times...he says I cause drama (who me??) but I think it is more that we just have a hard time understanding one another. Just curious if there is such a personality clash that it is impossible to work things out or what? We confuse each other to no end!

NT's and NF's: Attraction.

Charlie — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 18:01:15 GMT

As some of you may have read in my previous thread "Confidence and Meeting People" (and if you haven't read it, go do so. I look like a tool and it's amusing) I was asked out by the lead singer of a popular and my favorite indie band, who I've long suspected, from his music, was an INTP . I've done the NTP dance many-a-times (See another thread I made, "DOUCHEBAGGERY", who was a lovely NTP) and I now know that an NT cannot provide the HUGE amount of emotional availability I need. Weeeeelll, we went out for sushi today. I was right-- INTP. For me NTP= insane liquid chemistry. Good god. We had sushi, chai tea and extra an helping of life theory. *drools*. Pretty sure by how amazingly well this date went that there will be a second date, I shall my best to keep my head in check because I could easily lose it in the beauty of his brain. gaaaaaaaah. hehe.

I've read a ton of threads on NT/ NF attraction but today I am interested in your own words, and from your own experiences what is the NT/ NF attraction. Go.

INTP ENFP Relationships

sbalbom — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 08:01:02 GMT

We'll I have never been in a dating relationship with an INTP girl.

I guess lets start here.

Any Cryp, you tag any ENFP girls? So what attracts you to the ENFPs?

Random? Outgoing? Charm? Caring of the F?

ENFP needing INTJ insight (double posted,and originally in wrong section , sorry I was confused!) :)

DreamthenDO — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 12:08:52 GMT

Hi everyone! Here is my dilemma... ENFP woman very much in love with an INTJ man. The issue? We are both immature ENFP/INTJ's... My emotions get the best of me when he makes me mad, and my anger creates angry words that I spill out of my mouth.. At the time I dont care, and say what Im feeling with great abandon... then of course I feel bad because I really do love him... He on the other hand has the characteristic INTJ tendency to be a little socially disconnected (Aspergers-esque!), which most of the time I find cute and quirky, but when it comes to not connecting with me emotionally, leaves me feeling like he is cold and unfeeling. We have the best conversations about anything and everything! I dream up the ideas, and he is organized enough so that we can actually execute them! A perfection of a match in every way, except that his particularity about having all of his ducks in a row (and requiring that I do the same) makes me feel like hes controlling, meanwhile he feels like I'm rediculously irresponsible (My outlook? Ummm nothing bad has ever happened to me yet, so why should I change?) Im also a little worried when things like this happen; most of the time I can tolerate his know it all attitude with a little bit of a tightened jaw, but one day he was being particularly condescending, so I said "I really feel like you dont want me here right now. I dont like that way you are talking to me" and he accused my threatening to leave as a form of control "Uh, not exactly" I said "Its about mutual respect and not being a door mat" A form of control? He seems to call me that a lot whenever I disagree with him... Is it him? Is it the personality? Is it the fact that were both a little immature and need to grow into our personalities a little more? I love INTJs (mine in particular) for their solid head on their shoulders, amazing ability to identify right and wrong in black and white, their intelligence, their caring spirits, and the embracing of their nerdy-ness! I do need some help though... Help?

The ENFP Player, Part IV-- The Spark.

Charlie — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 16:19:37 GMT

Well... he had floppy wrists. My friend bent over with laughter. She had just asked me how my date last night went with this great, intelligent, interesting, cute, kind souled guy. Ya know, I know he was straight, but he moved his hands like a very dainty lady. I was totally the 'dude'. We were drinking tea and I swear, he was a knitted scarf away from pointing his pinky out when he sipped. This had been my luck lately, la lack of de spark. Though, I would NEVER not date a guy over something as silly as floppy wrists, it was a clue to something much bigger during the date, zero chemistry. But how can this be? He is one of many intelligent, interesting, funny, cute, sweet guys whom I have met, shared a conversation or coffee with, to only find out an hour later that we have less sparks than a wet match. Thus, I began a small quest about what a spark is, why I need it (maybe more than other types?) and why, possibly, in this moment in life I can't find it.

I had stopped listening to what he was saying, which was unusual. I could listen to his voice and stories all day, preferably for the rest of my life. Odd for me to think that, but he's the only guy I've ever said something so bold about. My mind drifted to images of him and me. Mentally, I had pushed the table out of the way, grabbed his skinny tie towards me and started kissing him on the verge of violence. If you're having a hard time imagining what that looks like, imagine that his lips are the only source of oxygen I have, and that I'm under water, like a mile down.... so if I stopped, I'd drown. Something vaguely like that. Yeah. The spark. That little cheeky bastard. As an ENFP, I can explain the spark as a feeling, it is something that is felt. It is an essence, je ne sais quoi, an undefinable, yet tangible something. I know when I do feel it, like above with that ENFJ. I am struggling to find an understandable way to articulate it. Perhaps it is a mixture of a really great conversation, a familiar feeling of an old friend, with a thirsty desire for physical contact. It combines all those elements, yet they are not enough; always wanting more. I am curious as to what "the spark" feels like to other types and how it happens for them?

I told my wise like an owl INFJ sister of my problems with my sparkless dates. She leaned against a wicker chair, tasting the air with her spidey sensy introverted intuition, and explained that she has noticed that "not feeling it"on dates has been a problem for other ENFJ's and ENFP's that she has observed. Perhaps it is because they are such creatures of passion, she mused. Other types who are much more practactly minded, or who are afraid of disappointing someone might be more okay without a spark and able to make it work through other avenues. But maybe for ENFP's and their strong need for authenticity, they could never "force" something that wasn't already there because it would be not genuine. Wise owl. I think she's onto something. I would feel ungenuine if the connection wasn't strong enough to pull me to them. I'm such a free bird, and to give up all my options for one guy when I am SO passionate about so many things is asking a lot for anyone but the best. I would never, ever want to intentionally hurt someone by making them think I am more into them then I am. And in the long term, if they're not the best for me, then I am not the best for them. Damn, she's good...

So why haven't I been able to spark with anyone in a while? Now, of course, I know there are several answers to this maybe it's just not the right time, you're not ready for him and he's not ready for you etc. and though those explanations I do believe have merit, I also feel as if there is something else hidden deep down that is responsible for my luck laster. Hmmmm. Him. Why yes, of course. His spark was so bright that everyone else pales in comparison. Ah, the truth, I alas, am not over Mr. Wonderful, the ENFJ who is unrequited, forced apart by circumstances to become an elipses. He and I could ignite a whole forrest with our sparks. Evidently, it is not just any spark that I am wanting to feel, but rather, his spark. And nothing else, as of now, will suffice. Please don't misunderstand me, I am no fool. I do not imply that I'll never feel the flames of passion again, I will and it will be spectacular. But I guess I am grieving the loss of his brilliant, beautiful and unique spark that ignited something in me that I've never felt before. I need to be patient with myself. Then, when I feel the time is right, I will thank God for letting me see his flame and then tuck it deep into my heart, grateful for its warmth, and continue the search for someone who's spark will glow so bright, and deep, and magnificently that it will never go out.

enfps going the distance

imafish — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 07:03:41 GMT

Is long distance really hard for other enfp's as well?

I've been with my INFJ gf for almost 4 years and we've spent our 3 month summer breaks apart before seeing each other once a month for a week or so each time. She recently finished school (I finished a year before) and is now back at home (washington). She had been really into the idea of coming back and being with me in california, but changed her mind after being home for a month or so. We hadn't planned any trips together / to see each other since she was going to be coming back. Even after she'd changed her mind I kept pushing at the idea of it figuring she might cave and give it a try. Totally back-fired and she said she wants to be alone and might want to take a break. (This I still don't understand too well). We hadn't seen each other for almost two months and been having less frequent, less connected phone calls leading up to this. We compliment each other really well, make a great team, work through our conflicts well, match up in terms of values and ideals, I could go on for a while. I love her with all my heart and can't really see life without her, so I drove up to see her the next day (very enfp spontaneous/reactionary). I was overthinking the whole thing and couldn't get it out of my head. Felt sooo torn up inside that I just had to go see her.

She was kind of thrown when I told her I was driving up, but was okay with it. When I got there, she was super nice, gave me big big I-still-love-you-and-haven't-seen-you-in-a-long-time hugs and kisses. We spent a day and a half together doing all sorts of fun stuff and both had a great time. She explained that having been in another relationship through most of her high school time, and then having been with me through all of college, she thinks she needs a little time to figure things out for herself without the distraction of our relationship (not exactly her words, but what I can understand of it at least). She said she really likes the northwest, being near her family and old friends and doesn't want to go back to california anytime too soon. She does have a sweet job there, but it ends around october. She's just living at home w/ her folks and still won't really enterain the idea of getting together after her work ends as she thinks she needs more time to figure things out (? I think ?) and wants to go work at a ski area through the winter. I have a good job here in california, but still the enfp in me is getting bored and itching to go try something else career wise soon.

So I know she needs a little space, but I don't like being all alone and just kind of waiting for her. I know she has no interest in dating other people. I don't really either as long as we're still together. She wants to come down and visit toward the end of september for a little over a week (woohoo!), but to me that's still a little ways away seeing as we've only spent ~30hrs together since she left in june. We've been talking on the phone more, sometimes texting during the workday and skyped a few times now since I drove up there and everythings going really well, aside from being apart. So at least I have someone to talk to now, but I really miss physically being together for cuddle time and for going out hiking and sailing and stuff. Anyone have any ideas on how to work some magic and convince an INFJ to budge on something like this (without pushing it too hard, cause that totally didn't work last time).

Also - I've been struggling a lot with being overly flirty with other girls while she's away. I'd never do anything/fool around, but I know from reading others' posts that it's really easy for an enfp to accidentally lead someone on and it ends up hurting everyone involved, so who's figured out how to avoid this?

And - I have a hard time really commiting to our relationship, without her agreeing on some sort of plan in the future. At the same time, I don't think I'll be able to wait for much more than a few months to be back together. I just feel like I want/almost need to have someone in my life who is physically with me. Anyone else, similar situation, words of wisdom?

I'm particularly interested in what nomad, Alysaria, Lorrie~smile, SlipCore and sbalbom have to say about this based on what I've read in other posts of theirs. Everyone else, totally invited to comment, but if one of you five read it, please let me know what you think.

Thanks all, - a fish

half of a whole

custardonmynose — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 10:12:26 GMT

I was just wondering if any other ENFPs feel like they are one half of a whole - like they need to be in a relationship and just aren't supposed to be single? ...or just me?

ENFP / INTJ and constant arguments... help? :(

marlique — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 04:07:28 GMT

Hi guys...

So glad I found this place. I've read through a lot of the threads on here and this seems like a very resourceful, understanding community. I don't know much about MBTI myself, as I have only just discovered it, but I hope my personal insights can become useful here!

The reason why I found myself here is, I'm dating an INTJ. We've been together about three months now, and we sort of put the relationship in a magic bullet if you will, started seeing each other pretty much all day, every day, very early on. We felt very strongly about each other very quickly, but there is so much misunderstanding between us that I am afraid we will just argue forever and never work through our differences.

I'm female, 26, and the ENFP end of the couple. He's 27 and INTJ, with a 100 score on the "T" (oh lord), and seriously "I". This means that he says very little, I always have to ask a million questions and he will ever only partially answer them, so communication is rather difficult. His personality letters aren't everything, though. He's been through some things in his life I guess that haven't helped this. Middle child with no attention at all from his parents, father died when he was a teenager, he never really had a connexion with him at all. He just turned completely inwardly and says that he has a lot of trouble feeling his own emotions.

Which brings me to the T... He almost only ever acts on things that are logical, and rarely on things that he feels. When he does though, we have magical moments, and this is what keeps me around. We can lie down, just look in each other's eyes in amazement, sharing moments of tenderness that surprise me and overtake me, and mostly make me feel incredibly special that he will allow me to see this side of him. Whenever I blow a fuse (it's always me, of course), he seems genuinely sorry that I am unhappy with him, and can tell me the sweetest things. He has told me in the past that he is thankful that I am in his life because I make him enjoy life, and if I'd seen him before he'd met me I'd understand. All this makes me incredibly attached to him, and when he opens up about it, I feel like he truly appreciates who I am.

But the other way around, most of the time I feel like he's dragging me down. He doesn't understand how to show care and consideration, or I crave it so loud that I can't see his way of expressing it, I don't know what it is. I wish he would just act irrationally sometimes, following his feelings. The T is really what's driving me nuts here, I crave emotion and hugs and squeezes and smiles and fireworks and mot of the time I find myself in front of this cold, calm man who will answer my most charged "...are you sure you're okay?" with a simple nod and toneless "mmm hmm". It drives me mad. I can't pull any emotional information out of him.

I've read around here that the strengths of the enfp/intj relationships are that we are complementary, and that we make up for each other's weaknesses. Even though I'm very mature emotionally in general (extreme experiences of my own have left me amazed that I'm not completely psycho, and I've consulted for a while lately due to some serious drama in my family, which has helped me figure myself out a lot), with him I find myself acting like I'm back in high school. I'm reckless, an emotional roller coaster, thinking I want him in my life forever one day, wanting to never hear from him again the next. What I find myself saying the most is, I just wish it was easy, and we agreed on how things should be done. I just want to make sense to him, but I feel that no matter how long I take to explain myself, he will never understand. His cold ass logic just kicks my warm heart right in the face.

Advice on how to appreciate him better? Understand him better? Hopefully find a way to make this work? I know I sound pretty frustrated (and I am!) but I care a lot about this guy and I feel like there's a lot of potential, we just don't know how to tap into it.

Thanks so much in advance...

How to be a better friend and bigger value to an ENFP

Terminus — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 07:26:22 GMT

Thread title pretty much explains it. I'm a male IsTj (lower/uppercase show strength of function) and I have been friends with this female ENFP for several years now. Given my type, what areas should I concentrate on to be a better friend and make our relationship more fulfilling?

scaring them off!

custardonmynose — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 12:38:42 GMT

Any other ENFPs found that they scare off the person they have a crush on by being too full on?

I have a feeling I do it a lot.. But I also feel like I shouldn't change the way I act in case of being too intense - the right guy will like it, right?!

ENFPs and cheating

Psyko — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 05:51:41 GMT

ENFPs really confuse the hell out of me. I've met no less than 3 great ENFPs this year and we've connected, dated and started to get physical when they drop the bomb on me. They've all been seeing someone else or been in relationships and see me on the side. Every one of these guys have been the one to initiate/pursue me, I'm not flirty with men. I've made myself available because I liked them and because I thought they were single too. And they always tell me before the relationship goes to the next level. (Sex.) What's up with that? Are they so attracted to me (INTJ,) that they can't help themselves? Are they with Sensor partners and feel the special connection with an N? Are ENFPs always like that when they are in relationships? Can you be trusted? And what's with the 'confession' part? Why do they need my blessing to proceed? Do they want a partner in crime, or do they want me to decide whether to slam down the brakes or what? These guys have lost my respect for good.

I'm so confused and disappointed.... If anyone can shed some light on this topic I'll be very grateful.

ENFP, gender roles, and sexual orientation

Computer_nerd4 — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 18:21:17 GMT

I hope I'm not being an annoying newbie here. This is a genuine question....

On another forum about personality types, someone asked if there is a personality type that is more inclined than others to be homosexual. There were various answers. One answer was the very currect answer of, "Homosexuals come in every type there is." But someone else noted that a high percentage of the NF males they knew were either homosexual or bisexual. (After years of struggling with this question, I have come to accept that I am exactly this. I am a bisexual INFJ.) This person also noted, "Of all the types, I'd say the male ENFP has a tendency to be homosexual -- and flamingly so."

On this forum, I read someone offer the following advice to the girlfriend of a heterosexual ENFP male: the ENFP needs to be liked by society, but because he is an NF type he has characteristics that are viewed as "feminine," and this makes him extra sensitive about being accepted.

So, while I agree that obviously homosexuals and bisexuals are found in every type, I do think there is something to be said about the fact that the male NFs will demonstrate characteristics that are viewed by society as "feminine." This doesn't necessarily mean homosexual or even bisexual. But I think there is "something" here. Does anyone have any thoughts? If so, please share.

http://www.enfpforum.com/enfpforum/...fault.aspx

INFJ relationships with ENFPs (plus sexual ambiguity)

computer_nerd — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 23:18:21 GMT

I'm afraid to start writing this post because this is my first post and I think I'm not likely to win any ENFP friends with this post. I suppose the ENFP personality type that confuses me profoundly. I have been browsing this forum and reading what others say. One comment more than any other sticks out in my mind: someone said that ENFPs are very sensitive people and so when talking to them you have to state things very carefully.

I suppose this is what confuses me about the ENFP personality type. I had thought that the NF types are "peace orientated" types, and yet the three ENFPs that I have been close to have usually been what I would describe as "combative." That is, seeming to look for a battle. I know it could just be the individuals I've known, their individual issues; but this characteristic falls in line with what I mention someone else wrote: that you have to state things very carefully to an ENFP or they get touchy. In particular, I remember a friend once describing a mutual ENFP friend this way: "I have to be careful how I state things so as to steer clear of her s***. But sometimes I just get fed up and don't care if I end up in the midst of her s***."

I hate to state it this way, but I think that all-in-all I just may not like the ENFP personality type much. I remember reading a comment from someone who said that if there were an award for "Most Annoying Personality Type," the ENFP would get that award. What seems to make the ENFP so annoying is the need for constant attention, and the fact that -- as one person on this forum wrote -- when spending time with the ENFP, you never know whether to call an events coordinator or an emotional crisis line. This is very true in my experience. Also, all ENFPs I have known have also fit these descriptions: they believe in the need for intense emotional experience; they are fiercely independent; attempt to read others' motives, to the point of being unnecessarily suspicious. The ENFPs I have known seem to seek people out, but then become suspicious about why people are around them. Um. BECAUSE YOU SOUGHT THEM OUT!!!!

And now for the sexual ambiguity I mention in the title ... It was very interesting for me to read that you have to be extra careful with a male ENFP because he needs to be liked by others, but he has traits that are considered feminine and therefore risks rejection. This is interesting to me because the most recent ENFP to almost make me lose my mind has been a male ENFP. One thing that has almost made me lose my mind is that I could never figure out where our relationship was going or what the nature of it was. I am a male INFJ, and sometimes the relationship felt like an acquaintanceship, a close friendship, a brotherhood, and sometimes verging on being lovers. It was particularly interesting to read that the ENFP is very self-conscious of his emotions and will therefore joke about them. This ENFP jokes A LOT about being gay.

Between the complications of dealing with an ENFP, and the sexual ambiguity between this male ENFP and myself, it seemed that it was best for the relationship -- whatever it was -- to end. He and I haven't spoken for a few months, and I think that we may never speak again, and it may be best. It's sad, because we had our good times. The great times were great; but the bad times were nightmarish! I look back at the time when this ENFP and I were closely involved in one anothers' lives, and it feels like a whirlwind, like I don't know what happened, blind-sighted. I really loved this guy; whatever type of relationship would've been best, I would've stuck with. But he couldn't stay consistent. He would open doors, and then freak out when I walked through them.

ISFP Male dating an ENFP

Screwhead23 — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 16:42:15 GMT

Hi, just found out that my girlfriend is an ENFP. I am so in awe of y'all passion and understanding on life. It seems like y'all can just click with any person that y'all encounter and love watching y'all engage in conversations and the animated way you tell stories lol.. The reason I'm posting is because i want to know what y'all (females) are looking for in a relationship. Being an ISFP I am very observant and go the extra mile to show my love and appreciation through actions and not really good with words . I just want to know WHAT and WHAT NOT to do in a relationship with an ENFP.. Thanks

Mbit vs Socionics- finding love

Ratsimoan — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 06:41:36 GMT

I know their is a divide in the personality world between MBIT's followers vs. Socionics's followers. Which one should I follow when it come to relationship? I know Socionics focus on relationships, according to them enfp ideal match is an istp. But mbit said enfp ideal match is either an infj or intj. You can equally find on both sides good and bad results with an enfp dating or marrying their ideal match. I, personally, believe we have more than one ideal match or we have one ideal match but we also have other types we can have a healthy relationship with if we can't find our ideal match ( like intj, infp, infj, esfp, istj and entj).

What your thoughts?

friendly behaviour?

black box — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 11:10:56 GMT

For months I had not noticed this ENFP at work. Suddenly, he started being very nice to me, also a couple of times touching my hand, etc. (We are both married). We started hanging out at lunch time having lots of fun and great conversations and connecting with each other. At the end of many of our get togethers (as we are leaving) he starts talking about his wife. Why does he do this? Once we were at an office function and he flirted with me the whole night. As we were walking to the bus he started talking about his wife again. Is he sending a signal for me to back of? Playing with me?

Met another ENFP, now I'm....

Ta_Na — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 09:39:36 GMT

Hi,

First real question since joining the forum, so don't mind me for totally unloading on y'all so soon.

I met a female ENFP online, I too am an ENFP, we really seem to hit it off and have been talking for hours on the phone, emailing, etc. We are dropping hints that we are really liking what we feel. That's the great news. Now let's see if I can explain what's going through my head right now.

Recently I have gone through a whole load of stuff that I call a "Blessing", my life has been wiped clean for me to start all over. Due to a number of events, I have lost my marriage, all but a few of my belonging, my business, my residence, etc. I am in a good place with what has happened. I have dealt with it and since moved on. Hence the "blessing" label.

I am using this time to go back to college, and also to find a new area of the country or world to explore and hopefully settle down with that special someone. But since I am pretty much an old "college kid" right now, I feel I don't have as much to offer to this relationship.

She is this amazingly beautiful woman who in true ENFP fashion has guys drooling over her. (a lot like I am, I'm honest enough to admit it) She knows she's beautiful, but does not walk around reminding everyone of it or hold it over my head like some kind of carrot or prize to get what she wants. So that makes her even better. Then you add the fact that she has a brain and can think and handle her own life, etc puts her over the top in my world. Since we haven't met, meeting I haven't seen much of her physically, I can say that I would have been over the top attracted to her without the great looks.

I don't throw out the L word for everything, but over time, this is what Love is made from. So my head is spinning from all this excitement, but I feel like I am not bring an equal value to the table. I also still have some things that I need to take care of with my health, and I am in need of all those basic things in my life, like; a place to live, a town to live in, a job, blah blah blah... You know, those little details. LOL

So I think what has me so confused is I want (need) to talk about future stuff with her so I can work on those things I just listed above, but since we really just met, and haven't met in person yet, it is in no way the right time to start talking all deep about living together or anything like that. So I know deep inside that if I were to start talking about moving to her city and things like that, it would freak her out big time. But I can't just sit where I am and do nothing until we get to that next level.

I also feel I need to add that I consider myself to be an "average Joe" when it comes to looks. So the fact that I am just this down to earth Midwest kind of guy, meeting this person I find so attractive, makes my head hurt that someone so special can actually find me attractive.

I should have tittled this thread "Love doesn't wear a watch!" Because at any other point in my life this would be a beautiful ride. I haven't felt this happy and excited about meeting someone in decades!

Anyway, I'm sure I didn't spill all the thoughts and details just right, so feel free to ask some questions, share the phone number to your favorite psychologist, etc. I need to stop my head from spinning!

Thanks,

Ta Na?

INTJ Shit Tests

ENFPGuy — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 12:57:18 GMT

Ok maybe I’m wrong but it seems that INTJ women don’t give shit tests.

Maybe because I don’t detect them now? Or the INTJ I’m with is just totally awesome?

A shit test is when a woman gives a guy a hard time, usually for the purpose of seeing how he will react. Because women (especially attractive women) are hit on all the time, they have developed behaviors that quickly disqualify potential suitors that are not of a high enough value for her. The shit test is one way to do this. Shit tests can be challenges or reframes

Even when you have been with a women for a while they still generally like to test your boundaries to make sure you still have self esteem. They say things to get you upset to see how you react. If you react to their satisfaction then you pass the test and they feel safer… they are with a guy who knows how to handle themselves.

Anyway I would always ALWAYS get this from all other women, even an ENTJ I dated. But nothing from the INTJ. Ladies?

NT-ish view on Maintaining Relationships

Zsych — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 10:37:22 GMT

Most of us somehow think that relationships should happen naturally, that we all somehow know how things should be working. We have our own expectations. Unfortunately, other people don't necessarily have the same expectations.

I'd say for a relationship you both should care about the other person, and also trust that where your own needs are concerned, they will be met by the other person. So you should want to give, and be willing to take.

The basic act of choosing to give increases your investment in a relationship and makes you care a bit more, just as the act of hurting someone intentionally adds to your dislike of them. So, IMO, in order to maintain positive feelings, you should personally choose to do something for the person you care about and express your feelings things that way.

And on the other side is the taking - having your own needs met. This is something that really needs to be discussed with the other party, so that they accept that you do have some rights on them (and naturally they also have rights over you), and you mutually trust each other to be dependable in terms of getting what you want also. This is the part about different expectations - you have to be open and communicative enough with each other that you be on the same page.

Relationships often fail because someone feels that their needs aren't being met, or that they are being mistreated, or perhaps that they are ending up giving much more than they are getting back, and they pull away or react badly, and the other side doesn't realize that they may be to blame so they just see an attack, to which they may respond with something negative of their own... which can start a cycle of actions that end up reducing trust and distancing you from the other person.

Thus - more communication - and accepting that none of us really know how to handle relationships very well and may not know how best to be happy with, and make the person you are currently with specifically happy, so that you do need to put in a bit of effort rather than expect things to naturally happen.

Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf.

DreamthenDO — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 08:08:49 GMT

It has come to my attention that when it comes to my emotions I dont have much control at all. I am 25, so maturation is still a work in progress. Any other ENFP's have trouble keeping their emotions in check? (ie; the ENFP classic clingy-ness)Any tips on how to ignore or cope with the 'waves'? Someone once told me 'You are an adult now, and your emotions need to be yours and yours alone. You shouldnt put them on anyone else' while I agree (sorrrrt of... a sentence like that devoids a relationship of real intimacy) how the heck am I supposed to restrain expressing myself, the urge to be understood is greater then my want to save face! Thank you all you internet strangers, ya'll rock