Disclaimer: because I'm a dysfunctional ENFP who has been mistreated his entire life, I very often tend to get into emotional phases where I feel things are "off" and wish for people to help me and be of comfort.  I write on forums like this in attempt to do just that (if my various threads on this website is any indicator).

For about a month I have contacted none of my friends.  I wanted to see if anybody would initiate something with me.  Only one person made an effort to reach out and communicate with me regularly.  Here's the problem: I met said individual on the internet and we've never seen each other in person; we have known each other for around 5 years online though.  The person I consider my best friend contacted me once but never wanted to do anything with me.

Now I'm back at school in the comfort of my college friends and it feels unnatural and wrong.  I don't feel like anyone cares.  This feeling of wanting to hold these people close and tell them my life story so they know who I am is gut-wrenching because I know they wouldn't want that.  Notice how I say "feel" a lot.  It's what I tend to do versus perceptualize things like normal people.  My emotions are incredibly tied into my personality.

Anyone else run into similar situations?  I guess you could say I don't know how to make friends.

Posted By incrediblemind on 22 Jan 2012 02:08 AM

Maybe learn to ride a motorbike, kite surfing, or take up some adventure sport or anything at all - the wilder the better, and forget about what others think or want for a while and get yourself some fun.

This is exactly what perpetuates the problem actually. Not for the OP, but for others who treat the OP the way they do. As far as I remember, burying your head in the sand has never solved anyones problem. People need to accept the fact that they need each other no matter how much you run away from it.

Posted By incrediblemind on 22 Jan 2012 02:08 AM
Eventually you have to be happy and content with who you are, and accept that you just aren't going to regularly get what you need from others. Everyone has problems, but there's a whole lot of your life left and you are not always going to feel this way.

Just don't do anything stupid please, and find something fun and satisfying to do today and tomorrow, and see if you can make that a habit - at least twice a week anyway.

Maybe learn to ride a motorbike, kite surfing, or take up some adventure sport or anything at all - the wilder the better, and forget about what others think or want for a while and get yourself some fun.

Trust me, I know exactly how you feel - but concentrating on that won't help you right now - you have to go DO something distracting that puts a smile on your dial.

I am quite content with who I am.  I am a proud and confident person who has successfully come to terms with who he is; so much so that people either find me intriguing or intimidating.  My friendly demeanor and "outstretched arms" don't help the situation.  And I don't display this extremely depressive flaw at all publicly and so it remains focused absolutely internally.  My closest friends either a) don't know how to address the problem even when I tell them what I want out of our friendship or b) are uncaring and don't want to here me whine and complain.

Learning to ride a motorbike, kite surfing, or taking up an adventure sport all sound incredibly awesome and fun, but they aren't available to someone with 100$ to his name and someone in a surprisingly restrictive school environment.  I've found that distraction is impossible because of the amount of dread that surrounds this issue as well as how long I've been going through it...  I suppose my seasonal depression is kicking in a bit making the issue more than it is, and as soon as school starts (Tuesday) and things start getting in order I'll feel much better but as of now every morning when I wake up I wish I was back asleep...

Entejay, I thank you for trying to help guide me in the right direction, but the negativity associated with your posts isn't doing me any good.  There are already enough "reality checks" I am forced to associate with life already, I don't need yours.

Posted By nightmar149 on 22 Jan 2012 09:44 AM

Entejay, I thank you for trying to help guide me in the right direction, but the negativity associated with your posts isn't doing me any good.  There are already enough "reality checks" I am forced to associate with life already, I don't need yours.

 

Oh look at that!?

Here's what I think your problem is. You obviously are not looking for solutions. You just want to whine about it.

It's fine to do on ENFP forum. Whine the blood out of it.

Here's what I think your problem is. You obviously are not looking for solutions. You just want to whine about it.

Perhaps.  Might be a subconcious thing.  But on a conscious level I am looking for positive reinforcement or suggestions.

Posted By nightmar149 on 22 Jan 2012 10:19 AM

Here's what I think your problem is. You obviously are not looking for solutions. You just want to whine about it.

Perhaps.  Might be a subconcious thing.  But on a conscious level I am looking for positive reinforcement or suggestions.

I have already written the solution.

Posted By Nick on 22 Jan 2012 11:43 PM
 

Hey guys,

Like this thread

First I’d like to say the “wait and see if they contact me” test can be a good way of measuring a friendship, but I don’t think it’s the best way of fostering them. I guess you’re mainly trying to make the point that you wish you had some closer mates and are expressing frustration at the levels of superficiality out there (something we NF’s de-test). But just wanted to throw a couple of cents worth in ..

There are many friends of mine I that I get on heaps well with, but I would rarely contact them directly. The only time I would so is for group invites to events. This is because it’s too ‘heavy’ to be contacting them one-on-one. But when they come along to a group event, or we cross paths at church or wherever, we are best buddies. So maybe arrange some more group social things and get the catchups happening there instead. Drinks are good. But converstations I've found can come more easily when doing stuff. Eg. I’m into bike riding, and most dudes who're likewise into it will come out if they have the time.. it’s one of those easy not so awkward things to do.

Relationships work best when we put others before ourselves. So rather than just being in relationships for what we can get out of them for ourselves, ideally we should be driven by the desire for the welfare of the other person. And an advantage of this is that it draws us away from getting depressed about our own worries. Now as Entejay is quick to point out, not everyone cares so much. But there are others who are likewise minded.

 

It is fine to "test" people occasionally, but you have to realize that sometimes your tests will fail, and it is not because the other person doesn't care, but that they aren't you and won't respond the way you want them to as a result. I.e., there are generally more variables to human interaction than is easily predictable.

Good point. This reminds me of the “5 love languages”. I have a mate whose dad finds sitting down and having a conversation about ‘stuff’ a bit awkward. So his dad just goes and cooks dinner for my mate instead. My mate finds it frustrating, but he realises his dad speaks different love languages: acts of services more so than quality time (and I reckon my mate wouldn’t be so crash hot at acts of service..).


Entejay – I like your input. You are very ENTJ :] We ENFP’s are a sensitive bunch (thanks to Fi). Fi has many upsides. But like you are saying, it by itself can lead to a sorry demise. But thankyou Te! – our tertiary function, that is said to come good around ages 20 – 35 (http://www.personalitypage.com/html/development.html). Must say I have come to appreciate it a lot. But while this world presents itself as a dog eat dog kinda place, I like to think there are many valued relationships out there that operate above this level. The working world is primarily only interested in our sailable talents and skills. But there is much out there that is driven by something more sincere than that.
 

Posted By PurpleGiraffe on 22 Jan 2012 07:51 PM
Entejay, sometimes people aren't looking for a solution but for someone to show that they care and are willing to listen.

And what is the point of doing that? If they have a problem that causes them to whine, then the most logical way to deal with it is to solve the problem to stop whining about it and move on. Not to stay in problem and continue whining about it today, tomorrow and basically indefinitely.

Posted By Nick on 22 Jan 2012 11:43 PM

But while this world presents itself as a dog eat dog kinda place, I like to think there are many valued relationships out there that operate above this level. The working world is primarily only interested in our sailable talents and skills. But there is much out there that is driven by something more sincere than that.
 

If you say so. Whatevever the value of that there might be.

Posted By Entejay on 23 Jan 2012 01:04 AM

Posted By PurpleGiraffe on 22 Jan 2012 07:51 PM
Entejay, sometimes people aren't looking for a solution but for someone to show that they care and are willing to listen.

 

And what is the point of doing that? If they have a problem that causes them to whine, then the most logical way to deal with it is to solve the problem to stop whining about it and move on. Not to stay in problem and continue whining about it today, tomorrow and basically indefinitely.

Ehhh the problem is that with ENFPs, Fi > Te, and Fi for me tends to clouds logic and motivation. While I hate to objectify it like that, it's overwhelmingly true to my life.

Posted By nightmar149 on 22 Jan 2012 10:19 AM

Perhaps.  Might be a subconcious thing.  But on a conscious level I am looking for positive reinforcement or suggestions.

Your "old brain"* betrays you however, and while on the quest for positive reinforcement, strangely you will most always end up with what feels like negative criticism, or at least an extended technical discussion on the topic.  It's never going to work.  You won't get what you need from another person.  You have to just throw the whole faulty program out and start afresh.  If you want to fix it, you should fix it.  Most INTJs aren't particularly keen on helping someone re-fixing the same broken thing over and over, with it's owner taking little or no responsibility for it.  If I had a lawn mower that did that, I'd get a new one.

I stand by my advice - you will feel much better about everything if you get of the house and DO something interesting.  Learn a raquet sport like squash, or commit to learning a Martial Art.  Get a bar managers license and volunteer at a sports club bar.  Learn to fly a sailplane, ride a kiteboard...  and people will come to you attracted by your interesting activity - and then you will find you return to your old habits and drive them away again, but hey at least you will be on the path to success instead of stuck at home typing about it.  

I learned to ride a loud and powerful sportsbike and a paraglider, and they make me feel like a rockstar.  People just walk up to me and say hi - it's crazy hehe. 

*google, wikipedia

7:30 is relevant

Posted By nightmar149 on 23 Jan 2012 08:52 AM

Posted By Entejay on 23 Jan 2012 01:04 AM

Posted By PurpleGiraffe on 22 Jan 2012 07:51 PM
Entejay, sometimes people aren't looking for a solution but for someone to show that they care and are willing to listen.

 

And what is the point of doing that? If they have a problem that causes them to whine, then the most logical way to deal with it is to solve the problem to stop whining about it and move on. Not to stay in problem and continue whining about it today, tomorrow and basically indefinitely.

Ehhh the problem is that with ENFPs, Fi > Te, and Fi for me tends to clouds logic and motivation. While I hate to objectify it like that, it's overwhelmingly true to my life.

I don't know if that will make you feel any better. But more often than not, majority of people are acting like you. You are not alone in this.

Posted By incrediblemind on 23 Jan 2012 10:15 AM

paraglider

 

Ah. I've been planning to do this for a loong time. I was actually willing to go with hanggliding, but paragliding seems a better start.

Posted By Entejay on 24 Jan 2012 04:54 AM

Posted By incrediblemind on 23 Jan 2012 10:15 AM

paraglider

 

Ah. I've been planning to do this for a loong time. I was actually willing to go with hanggliding, but paragliding seems a better start.

Do eeeeet!  After the first day on the training slope you will be totally hooked!