ENFP male here with serious friend zone issues.  Since High School (I'm now 2 years graduated from college), I befriend girls that I'm interested in and then fall in "love."  Then I watch them stay single while i become a better and better friend, or date others (sometimes close guy friends of mine).  Either way the process of it all kills me.  At this point in life, I'm friends with 6 or seven girls who im currently or at some point i was romantically interested in.

As a sidenote - my one relationship was completely instigated by the girl, and we had never been friends before.  I grew to like her quickly, but i never felt as strongly as i did for my unrequited loves that went nowhere.  Several girls have come along that I can tell have feelings for me, but I never feel the same way for them.

Anyone with common experiences?  Is this just plain bad luck?  Am I an unhealthy ENFP?  Sometimes I think I just lack a confidence level that will come with greater stability in my life : personally and financially (i've been building a start-up company while being supported by my parents).

haha thanks alysaria

Posted By Nadette on 12 Aug 2011 05:10 AM
There is nothing that drives me more insane than a guy with unclear intentions. Conversely, I really admire a guy that knows what he wants and is able to express it.  

This is something I needed to hear.  

So, I imagined that once I figured out I want to be more than friends with someone, they would do/say something that would show me they felt the same way, and that would give me the confidence to be more upfront about my feelings.  I can see how that's unrealistic, but wouldn't it be great if it always worked out that way? 

Anyways, thanks for your reply.  I'll work on it!

Here's the thing, francisco: love is complex for ENFPs. Basically, strangers are friends, friends are best friends, best friends are lovers. This means that there is an entire level of affection more intense than that devoted to lovers.

Part of being confident, I have found, is to have the sureness in yourself without a woman and the ability to accept that a woman isn't into you as no big deal.

^Agreed. I think the problem that a lot of INTJs (and others) have is that they have trouble distinguishing between friend and "friend." I kind of agree with your friend, mkeath, but, like you, only to a point. You have to make it known that you are not just a friend, this is true. You are "friend" material. So talk yourself up - that is how you get anywhere in life anyway. It's how you get promoted for jobs, it's how you get noticed...by noticing yourself. If some girl you are spending time with says, "he's hot," say, "If you're into that. I'm waaay hotter" and smile. Even if it's ridiculous and just makes her laugh, you win points.

I've been called vain by several of my exes, and when prompted about it, they ultimately say it's a good thing. Because I'm not excessively vain or narcissistic, but I do love myself, and I know I do. I have every reason to. There has never been and never will be anyone exactly like me. And that's not me boasting or bragging but being truthful, because each of us (everyone) is a genetic soup concoction that no one will ever replicate. So, in that regard, I am totally awesomely unique, and so is everyone else, but the difference, I've found, is that I can and will consciously regard my uniqueness and care about myself for that - while not everyone will see that in themselves. Conversely, I try to remember and respect other's uniqueness, but I try not to forget how important my self-respect is because that self-worth is really all that matters. I mean, at the end of the day, the only one that I can guarantee will stick up for me is, well, ultimately, me...and that is what I consider to be the essence of "confidence."

And about the other post, confidence is confidence IN something. It's necessarily conditional, barring megalomania, thus requires and varies by context. Are you saying "confidence" means not having a negative emotional reaction to rejection? If so, it sounds like a cop-out—bloat the ego to pretend it was nothing when it wouldn't have occurred at all if it were nothing. "You know that thing that sucked? Yeah...IT DIDN'T HAPPEN, and YOU DON'T CARE...about what DIDN'T HAPPEN...now that it has happened." >.>

I agree with the notion that one has to have confidence in something, but is it not placing confidence to state competency in one's ability to be resilent? To feel and think oneself confident in his or her skill to adapt and grow? If I were to get a flat tire, (knock on wood), I could feel myself confident in knowing that I could fix it or find a way to fix it. If I got rejected, I can feel confident in knowing that for whatever reason I was rejected, I can and will learn from it and find myself improved by it. There is always a reason for one's "rejection" (if you want to call it that) and the end result is about learning and growing and adapting(decreasing entropy - if you will) and not about instantaneously closing the book on all things in life because a painful event occurred. It is not about bloating the ego to corner off the pain, but about understanding and learning from the situation because one can realize that the story is never over on the last page of the book. The story started long before the book began and will continue long after the last page has been written. We are all just characters in that story, and it depends upon what characters we want to be as to how we will be represented.

There are only two ways to live life. To change or not to change. There is no option to have things stay the same. To stay the same is to die. The only option, therefore, is to adapt, and the only way to do this is by looking at the reasons for rejection (and sometimes embracing rejection) and changing the only thing that one can change (oneself) to see the world on a grander scale.