jlpicard 
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| 15 Aug 2011 03:24 PM |
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What are the signs an ENFP does not like you? |
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francisco
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| 15 Aug 2011 03:41 PM |
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In general? The only people I 'don't like' are those who have somehow signalled to me that they dont like me. I love be playful with people, make them laugh, feel good about themselves, etc. So if I'm not doing that with you, than you probably know.
Or are you talking potential relationship? AKA, signs an ENFP isn't into you. |
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jlpicard
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| 15 Aug 2011 03:49 PM |
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No, I was talking about ENFPs not liking you in a non-romantical way.
I met an ENFP and at first it sparked between us. But then I told our mutual friend that I liked her and she in turn told the ENFP. The ENFP didn't seem too pleased about that. And since then she does not seem attracted to me anymore. Even more so, she does not seem to like me at all. |
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francisco
MBTI: ENFP
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| 15 Aug 2011 04:30 PM |
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Id imagine she doesnt know how to act around you now with the big proverbial elephant standing in between you. Have you thought about clearing the air? aka telling her your sorry that she found out about your feelings the way she did? Its possible you did spark, but then scared her away a bit. I'd suggest not to make a big deal out of it - next time you're in a public setting, take her aside for a second and tell her confidently and sincerely that you apologize for how it went down. |
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francisco
MBTI: ENFP
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| 15 Aug 2011 04:34 PM |
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Id imagine she doesnt know how to act around you now with the big proverbial elephant standing in between you. Have you thought about clearing the air? aka telling her your sorry that she found out about your feelings the way she did? Its possible you did spark, but then scared her away a bit. I'd suggest not to make a big deal out of it - next time you're in a public setting, take her aside for a second and tell her confidently and sincerely that you apologize for how it went down. |
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jlpicard
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| 15 Aug 2011 06:40 PM |
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Yes, I cleared the air and apologized, but there's still something between us. It is hard to pin down. When we meet, I somehow sense that she is still interested (I'm definitely not in the friend zone), but there is also something similar to fear or disdain. She sometimes makes subtle hints to me in her Facebook posts... very, very subtle, almost unnoticeable. |
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francisco
MBTI: ENFP
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| 15 Aug 2011 07:48 PM |
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Hmm. I would think ENFPs would rarely be subtle in any respect. Might need some female ENFPs to weigh in here for an answer your original question.
Out of curiosity, what type are you? |
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alysaria
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| 16 Aug 2011 08:49 AM |
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"OMG! NO! CRAP! I did it again! Why does every guy I meet always assume I'm flirting? Am I coming off that way? >< I'm not trying to. Ok, ok. I just have to tone it down. ARGH! Why did you have to go and change the friendship on me!!?? I can't ever be natural around him again or he'll just think I'm interested and make another move. Must be careful. Can't relax around him again." The dynamic changed. Basically she's going to see everything you do now in the light of another guy who she wanted to be friends with who suddenly LIKE liked her. Every compliment will be seen as flirting. Every smile as suggestive. Blah. And yes, ENFPs can be subtle when it comes to the emotions of others. If you had approached her with teasing jokes about dating or light touches on her arm, she could have considered without feeling pressured and would have either subtly withdrawn, showing disinterest in a way that didn't make her feel like she was being mean and outright rejecting you. Then things could have continued on as normal. The problem is that ENFPs do not like being blindsided by that. If she hadn't ever thought of you as a potential mate, then it was like getting hit with a bucket of ice water. Our natural friendliness occasionally leads people to believe we're interested when the thought hasn't even crossed our minds, so it becomes a knee-jerk reflex to just shut down around anyone who develops an attraction out of the blue. Additionally, matchmaking friends make things worse. ENFPs hate hate HATE to be controlled or coerced. >< Freedom is so vital to our happiness, that feeling pushed or pressured into liking someone almost guarantees an instinctive automatic dislike on principle. Basically, all you can do is be relaxed and comfortable as possible. Don't let the awkwardness get to you....and if she starts to get tense and let it get to her, tease her about it. It's not a big deal. If you let her make it a big deal, it will only make her more preoccupied and distanced from you. Repeat after me: "It's not a big deal. My feelings aren't hurt. If you're ever interested, that's fine. If not, just let it go. I'm not pining over you or plotting how to trick you into liking me." The goal is to get her to be amused by her own paranoia and to relax back into friendship without worrying that she might be leading you on somehow.  |
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jlpicard
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| 16 Aug 2011 04:29 PM |
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Posted By alysaria on 16 Aug 2011 07:49 AM
"OMG! NO! CRAP! I did it again! Why does every guy I meet always assume I'm flirting? Am I coming off that way? >< I'm not trying to. Ok, ok. I just have to tone it down. ARGH! Why did you have to go and change the friendship on me!!?? I can't ever be natural around him again or he'll just think I'm interested and make another move. Must be careful. Can't relax around him again."
That's not it. It doesn't fit. It's different. She was attracted to me – perhaps with emphasis on the "was". But it's nowhere near friend zone. That's why I am asking, because it's not "being attracted" anymore, but it isn't the "friend zone" either.
Example: The last time we met was in a hall full of people. I entered the hall to search for something, not knowing she was in there. But she already saw me the moment I entered and was observing me all the while. So while I was searching (which I did in a very systematic, expressionless manner) I didn't realize I was actually approaching the place where she was standing. And when I saw her there was this look on her face. And the look on her face didn't say "I'm happy about seeing a friend" nor was it what you described above. It was more like "this guy is fascinating, but scares the s___ out of me". |
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Nadette
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| 16 Aug 2011 06:42 PM |
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It sounds like you have it figured out yourself, actually. "this guy is fascinating, but scares the s___ out of me". This is completely plausible. She probably likes you too and doesn't know what to do now that the fact that you like her is out in the open. The way that it happened didn't allow her express disinterest or mutual interest and now she probably feels some kind of pressure to make it known. Or, she may want to tell you that she likes you, but she wasn't given that opportunity and may be imagining that you are simply attracted to her, but not really interested in a relationship. It might be a good idea to ask her how she feels and also to communicate that you are actually interested in pursuing romance if she is. Think about it this way, by apologizing for her finding out that you like her, it may have sounded to her that you were sorry for liking her. |
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jlpicard
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| 17 Aug 2011 04:46 PM |
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Posted By Nadette on 16 Aug 2011 05:42 PM
The way that it happened didn't allow her express disinterest or mutual interest and now she probably feels some kind of pressure to make it known.
It's hard to grasp. See, when I apologized to her, her response wasn't "I want us only to be friends" (friend zone), but "I was quite perplexed when [our mutual friend] told me [that you like me]. You are quite likeable, it's just that I'm currently not on the lookout". At that time, she was deeply infatuated with some guy. |
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Nadette
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| 18 Aug 2011 10:17 AM |
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How long ago was it? Maybe she is more on the "lookout" now, or maybe she really doesn't like you and feels awkward about not wanting to make you feel bad. You could always try talking about it more. I don't know if all ENFPs are like this, but I like talking about things. I could go crazy all day trying to read every signal and intuit every possibility (I mean, I WILL DO THIS whether I want to or not), but I don't always put much faith in anything I come up with. I tend to rely on what is purposefully spoken. Whatever the case, she is probably obsessing and over-thinking. This is not a good or a bad sign. It could mean anything. The only way to find out is to talk to her. This might now even work. If you want things to work out, make yourself accessible and maybe she will come around in her own time. If you are reading confusion from her, that is probably what she is feeling. We are pretty see-through like that. |
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alysaria
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| 18 Aug 2011 11:20 AM |
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Standing in the hallway, not moving or breathing, watching a friend with a mixture of panic and interest.... "I like this guy, but OH GOD DON'T LET HIM HIT ON ME!!!"
>< Honestly, if Nadette's right, talking to her is a good idea....however, if she's just not interested and trying not to hurt your feelings (IE: overanalyzing how to keep you at a distance but still be friends), then pushing the issue will pretty much guarantee that she's going to start avoiding you completely. O.o Do not do not DO NOT!!!!! make any kind of statement that says you *know* she likes you or you're going to be together. For the sake of the little children, don't do it! Backing her into a corner will inevitably make her angry....and she will probably say something that will hurt your feelings, and will be simultaneously angry at you for making her hurt your feelings. =.= I think you should accept that it's just friendship. Be her friend, and if something more happens it will happen....if not, move on. |
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jlpicard
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| 26 Aug 2011 05:57 AM |
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Posted By Nadette on 18 Aug 2011 09:17 AM
The only way to find out is to talk to her
Why do women always want to talk? I'm pretty sure "talking" is the sure thing to ruin this. |
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Nadette
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| 26 Aug 2011 07:18 AM |
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I'm equally baffled that anyone doesn't want to talk. Talking is how I fix things and feel safe because I feel like if something has been talked about, I understand it. The only reason I can think of for not wanting to talk is that you don't want to be held to anything you say. You want issues to be wishy-washy and unclear.
Additionally, since you already seem to think that women always want to talk, why aren't you assuming that in this case. She probably wants to talk... Maybe you can clear this up for me. It seems to me that guys not wanting to talk is just a matter of their being relational wusses.
Still yet more additionally, is it my imaginination, or do NT men especially struggle with the skill of "talking"? Drives me nuts. Sometimes my INTJ brother doesn't even bother to acknowledge my questions. An ENTJ friend avoids conversation that involves any kind of self-expression. An INTP friend of mine went into a sort of shut-down-overdrive once when he felt challenged and started spewing defenses that were neither communicative nor rational. |
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PurpleGiraffe
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| 26 Aug 2011 10:33 AM |
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Still yet more additionally, is it my imaginination, or do NT men especially struggle with the skill of "talking"? Drives me nuts. Sometimes my INTJ brother doesn't even bother to acknowledge my questions. An ENTJ friend avoids conversation that involves any kind of self-expression. An INTP friend of mine went into a sort of shut-down-overdrive once when he felt challenged and started spewing defenses that were neither communicative nor rational.
Oh my yes they can/do. I'm a female INTJ in a family with an INTP father and two INTP brothers and I have quite a few other NT male friends and "talking" can be an issue at times - especially when it pertains to individual emotions. I think it stems from the fact that as NTs (especially introverted NTs), there is often a 1.) general dislike of talking, 2.) insecurity about the subject matter, 3.) fear of rejection about asseverating the emotions, and 4.) a general desire not to feel like we are burdening another with our problems/feelings. ENTJs and ENTPs don't generally have a problem with talking (I've found anyway), but when the topic of emotions is brought up, you will likely find them changing the subject to a topic they know better or they feel could create less discord, because these types don't generally like inharmonious personal interactions.
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Nadette
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| 26 Aug 2011 05:46 PM |
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No, ENTs don't generally seem to have any problem talking  I don't really know any ENTPs very well, but the ENTJ I know absolutely adheres to your description, PG......which kind of confuses me, actually. It sounds like Fe behavior to me. Well, except for the feeling disconnect. Just the harmony part. Why do they care about harmony if they are so out of touch with themselves and others? It probably sounds like I am being very critical of NTs, but I am not trying to disparage them(you) at all. I just want to understand and feel that sharing my limited perspective is the best way to start. jlpicard, out of curiosity, how will talking ruin anything? What is the alternative? I feel like simply talking honestly is the most efficient way to access reality. The only way this wouldn't be true is if someone is playing games. |
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alysaria
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| 28 Aug 2011 01:40 PM |
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>.> Imagine this scenario Nadette. There's a guy you've been friends with who you think is really fun and cool....but you have absolutely no attraction to. Now imagine that one of your female friends tells you that he liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes you. You don't know if it's true or not, so you'd naturally assume and say nothing. After all, why embarrass the guy and yourself if he isn't? Then he approaches you and apologizes for letting you know like that.
So....you haven't thought of this guy that way AT ALL, and now that you might have started considering, he apologizes for it. Now you're uncomfortable. O.o The only way he'd be able to effectively *have* the conversation he wants is to make you comfortable again....which is to return the relationship to a casual state and take his time. Otherwise you won't have any idea what to say to him....and it promises to be an awkward conversation that will likely strain the relationship for a while...if not break it utterly.
It would be worse if you didn't know him very well and weren't super close friends. |
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jlpicard
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| 28 Aug 2011 05:01 PM |
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Posted By alysaria on 28 Aug 2011 12:40 PM
>.> Imagine this scenario Nadette. There's a guy you've been friends with who you think is really fun and cool....but you have absolutely no attraction to.
Alysaria, you're approaching this from the wrong angle. This is not it. You have a totally wrong picture in your mind.
Nadette: Talking ruins it because you end up in the friend zone. You confuse talking while in a relationship and talking outside of a relationship. |
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alysaria
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| 28 Aug 2011 06:39 PM |
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......are you sure you're thinking of ENFPs jlpicard? I know for me at least that fleeing in terror is a much more common response. It's all about roles for ENFPs.....it's how we define ourselves and those around us. The only time there's a friend zone for me is when the guy is too oblivious or deluded to realize he's being shot down ....granted, sometimes I'm too nice to be blunt. >.> Unless an ENFP is experienced in romance and has had lots of practice turning down unwanted suitors, then the natural reflex is for her to put distance between herself and the one trying to change the role. It's the equivalent of the toaster deciding that it would rather freeze your bread. Aside from being unexpected and probably caused by dark magics, it just doesn't seem right for someone who has been defined as a friend to suddenly (because ENFPs miss obvious clues) leap into another role when it's not expected. It's a confusing mix of emotions....and good luck even trying to have a conversation with me in the first place.
Additionally..... even those who end up in the vaguely defined "friend zone" of the ENFP are essentially on a moving walkway drifting away from the ENFP. We're not shallow and we'd never try to lead someone on, so if they can't accept friendship without the hope of something else, they'll inevitably drift into the "people I used to know and would smile and say hi if I saw them on the street" category....or the "I guess it's ok if he's a facebook friend" category. |
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