Hello to everybody! I'm apparently an ENFP and i'm having some problems with an INTJ. I would like some opinions about it.

I have a relation (not a relationship!) with an INTJ guy who i met over the net about 2 years ago in casual circumstanses. Our relation began becasue of an argument and ever since it has been full of discussions, obviously(?), becasue i'm the one who always misunderstands him(opr so it seems from his side of view!). I really like this guy becasuse of his rational way of thinking and because we can conversate and discuss about any given topic and exchange our thoughts and in this process, in some way, despite the fact we live in different countries, we share our lives with eachother and so there is some sort of intimacy between us. And that all seems to be great and i'm not saying it isn't, but i still suffer from his coldness. He says he doesn't trust many people the way he trusts me. He says he cares about me becasue if he didn't he wouldn't want to hear things i tell him about myself and my life. He says our conversations give him joy. And he once said: "Before a relation with you would have been impossible. Now no relation between us would be impossible" (It was in a serious conversation about our friendship but then he said that he was just playing with words. That was kind of confusing too ..but it's not the problem i'm talking about right now) So, his words seem to say "I care about you" and i think he actually does...But my problem is that i feel as if i'm the only one trying to understand him and his INTJ nature and i don't want to annoy him with my chaotic presence and ways of being becasue i know that for him that might seem as "being over the top".  

Yesterday i got mad at him because of a certain reaction he had. These days he is in a stressful situation and me being my usual self wanted to help and i did do it in a concrete way. So i got involved in his personal life and wanted to know what kind of progress he had done. When i asked what happened, he gave me what i considered really good news and was sincerily happy for him, while he seemed to be indifferent about it and not even so interested to tell me about it. So sarcastically i told him not to exagerate with his euphoria and that's when we started arguing. And at one point he said it was not on his life's priority list to show his feeling to me. That really hurt me becasue that is the reason i suffer every time.

I care about him and i can't help it... so, maybe , i'd wish him to be just a little bit more expressive when he tells me about stuff that i am involved in (since i helped him in that situation) Can't he see that? I told him that relations are based on an exchange of feelings as well as exchange of thoughts. And he answered that he is a direct kind of person, very rational, very sincere etc etc. I love directness and sincerity! It's not the problem. The problem is that ,to me, it seems as if he just hides under his INTJ veil of coldness to justify his behaviour : I feel as if he doesn't take in consideration that i have feelings, or maybe he thinks i have too many!... so it always seems as if i'm the one who is making trouble and making drama. I am not such a sensitive/emotional person, i have quite a strong intellectual and rational part as well and i have never had these problems with any other friend. It just seems that he accepts my emotional part (that seems very big when compared to his unexistant emotional part!), as if all he needs to do in the relation is endure the care i have for him! I feel as if i give give give and he doesn't even take, he does something even more annoying, he seems not to even give a damn about it. And not only, he seems so self absorbed (in that stupid head of his!!) that he doesn't even notice that if we argue and i feel hurt it might be becasue of him and his way of acting towards me. His words say "I care about you", but the way he treats me makes me feel as if i'm never enough, as if i am always wrong, as if i am the one annoying and hurting him, as if my preoccupation for him makes no difference to him. Ok, i do also take in consideration that this might be a stressful period or the fact that our interaction is limited to internet, mail and IM, and so he might come off as more careless than he is. But still, i think that if you want someone to understand that you do care, then you show it to them and even if you are stressed you don't treat the person that is trying to help you as a piece as sh*t.

Really, are INTJs superheroes that don't need anyone to care about them? They can do it on their own and they don't want anybody on their side? If so, then i'll stop wasting myself on such a person. I don't think i ask the world, at the end of the story i don't even ask him to be more emotional (i suppose people don't change), i just ask for him to show me that he cares that i care. I don't know if i'm beaing clear. I don't want him saying: "You are such a great person and i could not live without you!" and stupid stuff like that. I'd just like to feel a little tiny winy bit of appreciation, not in his words (it's easy to say things that you don't mean) but in the way he treats me when he talks to me, but he is not able to understood that. He said "I'm sorry not to have expressed my happiness the way you wanted me to do so".

So now we are not talking and i told him that when sharing simple feelings with me will not have to be put on a priority list, if he wants, he can come back. But i'm scared that as much as i am fed up of his inability to empathise, he might be fed up with my "darma" and he might not want to actually have anything to do with me anymore.

..I have no idea what to think, what to feel and what to do!  And this situation is driving me crazy! T_T  

Posted By alysaria on 11 Sep 2011 09:47 AM
 It's easy to get offended by NTs in general....they don't get wounded by words the way NFs do. 

Your words wound me darling Alysaria. 

Posted By InvisibleJim on 11 Sep 2011 11:31 AM

Posted By alysaria on 11 Sep 2011 09:47 AM
 It's easy to get offended by NTs in general....they don't get wounded by words the way NFs do. 

Your words wound me darling Alysaria. 

 

Har har. You know very well what I mean. 

If an employer approaches an INTJ and gives them criticism on a certain aspect of the job, the INTJ will do their own research, determine if the flaw exists, and act accordingly. An ENFP will get all wide-eyed and wonder why their boss hates them. 

Posted By alysaria on 11 Sep 2011 07:22 PM

Posted By InvisibleJim on 11 Sep 2011 11:31 AM

Posted By alysaria on 11 Sep 2011 09:47 AM
 It's easy to get offended by NTs in general....they don't get wounded by words the way NFs do. 

Your words wound me darling Alysaria. 

 

Har har. You know very well what I mean. 

I do, but I enjoy wearing my 'ENFPflusterer' hat more!

Yep we INTJs do get it wrong sometimes but we mean well

Posted By alysaria on 12 Sep 2011 03:49 PM
A heavy dose of guilt laced into "Ok....I'll leave you alone then..." ?

Step 1) Identify if your INTJ is 'aggitated'

Step 2) If your INTJ is not aggitated behave normally

Step 3) If your INTJ is aggitated give them an hour or two to get their bearings

Step 4) Invite your INTJ to the couch for at least an hour of casual chat and snuggling

Step 5) After an hour or so snuggling and casual chat your INTJ will blurt out their issues.

I wasn't denying there the need to mutually communicate some internal information just to know each other, without which you don't have an intimate relation, just the pretense of one. I just meant the "verbal support" (though technically personally including some related issues...probably). Praise and blame do little but annoy me no matter who it is and has no meaning beyond external verification of objective properties or subjective properties specific to the other person. For instance, in the former, if I'm performing a skill, someone actually knowledgeable could verify my work, not that that's usually emotionally appealing, merely slightly satisfying if I actually wanted such verification and had good reason to believe their evaluation. In the latter, a SO would need to verbally confirm the psycho-emotional impact of some of my actions done for that purpose, though that's pretty much the same as the expert verification, just in regards to the other person's subjective world instead of the objective world.

You remember events from your first birthday? Studies show that consciousness generally isn't developed until about the age of two, so I'm intrigued by this...

Yes, I remembered three people I didn't know, clowns, and eating cake with my hands and wearing some on my head. Was about 10 when I mentioned it to Mother, and she fetched a newpaper clipping and confirmed the people I never knew, the circus motif, and letting me at the cake, which got messy. People were just noisy mobile rocks to me, everything was sensory or a little intuitive, and emotions weren't judged or really experienced in a personal way. They just happened like background events you're not quite paying attention to. Was born full sized a month early. Never looked my age. Scored 170 something and 180 something on the WAIS performance and verbal. No full score since I was underaged, and Mother didn't care and didn't remember it the day after, the testing or the results. I'm a freak.