ENFPs really confuse the hell out of me. I've met no less than 3 great ENFPs this year and we've connected, dated and started to get physical when they drop the bomb on me. They've all been seeing someone else or been in relationships and see me on the side. Every one of these guys have been the one to initiate/pursue me, I'm not flirty with men. I've made myself available because I liked them and because I thought they were single too. And they always tell me before the relationship goes to the next level. (Sex.) What's up with that? Are they so attracted to me (INTJ,) that they can't help themselves? Are they with Sensor partners and feel the special connection with an N? Are ENFPs always like that when they are in relationships? Can you be trusted? And what's with the 'confession' part? Why do they need my blessing to proceed? Do they want a partner in crime, or do they want me to decide whether to slam down the brakes or what? These guys have lost my respect for good. 

I'm so confused and disappointed.... If anyone can shed some light on this topic I'll be very grateful.  

They've all been seeing someone else or been in relationships and see me on the side

Posted By sbalbom on 27 Oct 2009 03:40 PM

They've all been seeing someone else or been in relationships and see me on the side

What does that mean... "seeing someone"? Like exclusive or dating? What was the nature of their relationship. I know many ENFP guys and if they are single they are always hooking up with or trying to hook up with one girl or an other.

Ok, one was like that, he saw multiple women at the same time and I'm one of the many women he's seeing, so he's not too bad. As long as he was up front with me, I think it's ok to date me and then date other women at the same time. Not too mad at him, but he made me feel a bit used and that I was just a number in his long line of women. 

Bachelor number two (European): We met many times, really got to know each other, staying up all night talking, holding hands, he used to drive me places so we could spend time together away from home, he walked my dog in the woods with me, we swam in lakes and took kissing breaks, it was all very romantic. We kissed and were physical (i.e touching, caressing etc,) but when we'd naturally started to progress towards sex he got cold feet and confessed that he had a bone fide girlfriend. When I asked him how serious it was and how long they'd been together, he said that he really didn't know how serious it was or whether he thought they could have a future together. But they had been together for over a year... 

Bachelor number three (an American), I posted a question about him earlier asking if I'd blown it with him. We met again last weekend in the States, he introduces me to his assistants as his future wife, talking about our wonderful wedding to be. (His N going wild there I know, I didn't take that very literally...) He is all touchy-feely & flirty with me all day in front of the others at the workshop and in front of his assistants. He asks me out to dinner, and I said yes. We have a wonderful time, we hold hands and share food, eating of the same spoon etc.etc. He drives me back to my hotel, kisses me so I get weak in the knees and then says, : 'I think you should know that I've been dating someone over the last few months and that I'm overstepping some boundaries here...'. Talk about getting a cold shower... 

So it's been a mixture of not so serious, to pretty serious girlfriends on the side here. And I specifically asked Bachelor number two if he was single, just after we met. He said yes... So he is both lying to me as well as cheating on his girlfriend. And if they are fine with lying and cheating, why on earth do they come clean just before we're about to jump in the sack together? Why not go the distance and dump me after they get what they want? That I could've understood. This behavior is very confusing to me. And it's not like they're married and have sexless horrible relationships either, they've kind of just met someone else and they're still searching and are open to meet and be with other women. This is a puzzle to me, I can't get the pieces to fit. 

So Alysaria, I know that you are right about us NTs (and other types,) might misunderstand your being friendly with flirting. That is why I don't flirt with them much, I know that the ENFP curse is being misunderstood, I rarely misunderstand being friendly with flirting. But you also said that when you guys really want someone you are as subtle as a truck, which has been the case here with Bachelor number 2 & 3. They have been in relationships with other women (kind of,) met me, been interested in me, pursued me, emailed or texted me, asked me out on dates and dinners, kissed me and wanted more and then they suddenly grow a conscience and tell me about that other woman. With # 2 and 3 there was no logical reason for them to keep in touch with me, the initial vibe was always attraction, so they can never have thought of it as a friendship and then it grew to be something else. They've coldly pursued me and wanted me, giving me the impression that they were single and available, # 2 more so than # 3, but I'm mad at them both. 

Next time I meet an ENFP who seems interested, I'll be hiring a private investigator before I proceed... 

From personal experience, this enfp definitely has a fluid view of right and wrong. Or rather, I will do stuff I know is wrong, but find ways to justify it. I'll be quite honest with you, because I feel that being honest will help us both gain a deeper understanding of the inner workings of an ENFP. I'm currently in this sort of situation, where there is a girl who's number I got and I have kind of been texting casually - nothing has transpired yet to really be considered "cheating," but there is enough to evidence to show intent. I also have a girlfriend who I have been dating for over a year. In my mind, I'm rationalizing my actions by saying that my gf has been letting herself go - she has gained a lot of weight, has terrible hygiene, stuff has gone on in the past that I may still have unresolved issues over, and therefore she must not care about me like I care about her or I am being unfairly treated, so that means I can treat her unfairly by talking to other girls.

It sounds pretty ridiculous when I write it out, but in my mind it's pretty justified. In my mind, I somehow think that if I do something "bad," that I am settling the score and bringing balance to the relationship.

Also, there's this feeling that I have to end up with this girl even though my interests are obviously elsewhere. It would really hurt my gf to leave her, which would make me feel terrible, and I wouldn't be there to take care of her, which has come to be my role.

With my ex who had come to make me miserable, I couldn't take breaking up with her, so I pretty much just waited until she would break up with me (which she did about every other week for a few hours at a time just to hurt me and "win" an argument that she would start), and then I told her I wasn't getting back together with her. Well, I eventually did, and then finally I got so sick of her that I was able to tell her how I felt.

So I guess my thoughts are that I want to take care of my gf, but also be able to have the excitement from dating casually also. I know that this way of thinking is wrong. I should "nut up or shut up," and either be with my gf and be completely devoted to her 100% or break up with her. However a part of my mind is going into the meticulous calculations of figuring out a way to have both and leave myself with no moral repercussions. In my mind, there is a big difference between myself and the womanizer guys who date girls - get them to fall in love with them with no intention of using them for anything other than sex, and then cheat on them with every girl they see. The one seems almost malicious - like a predator/prey sort of situation. The other just being a tragic situation that just happened from outside forces.

Since I feel that the spirit of this forum is to have a place to  learn about one's self and to better ourselves from that knowldge, I think I'm going to try and rectify this situation. It obviously will end in my girlfriend, myself, and some hapless stranger getting hurt because I was being selfish. Today, I had a talk with my girlfriend about changing her ways and essentially told her that I can't commit to someone who doesn't commit to me. Also, I think I'm going to try and avoid drinking and parties as much as I can, becauase that is how I tend to get myself into trouble. Literally two beers in, and I lose most of my inhibitions. If my gf keeps with her new ways - we both win. If she doesn't, well then I will try to keep myself out of a committed relationship until I can grow up or find out how to keep my end of the bargain, because otherwise, I'm just going to get in another sticky situation.

From an ENFP to the poor girls affected by our recklessness and weak-will - I appologize. If you're dating or married to an ENFP, keep an eye on your man and get him to talk about his feelings often and openly, so you can avoid any troubles. I internalize my anger and frustration too much, and I tend to let it brew to the point that it gets destructive - this is not good for me or for those around me.

Nathan, thank you so much for being brave and honest on this forum. It's actually helped me a little to understand that you aren't monsters, but that you may be miserable and seek distraction from a difficult situation. I urge you to continue doing what you've done already. Face your girlfriend and be honest with her and if you don't love her, leave her and move on to greener pastures. You're too young to be thinking that you have to take care of someone. Of course she'll be upset, but she'll get through a break up. I repeat, the only reason one should be with someone is LOVE!! It's an ENFP weakness to stay longer in relationships than you should.

And I think that my bachelor number 2 was a bit like you. He needed to justify his behavior too. He said that his girlfriend had done something to him just after they met, and he'd never forgiven her for that. So maybe that was his way of settling the score. He told me that she used to yell at him a lot and they argued all the time, he was tired of her. So I don't understand why he didn't leave her.

Remember, when you guys are straying from your girlfriends and get half involved with someone else, you end up hurting the ones you start something with too. We assume that you are free to pursue us or be with us. We want to explore and get to know you. It's unfair on us also...

Honesty goes a long way... Good luck ENFPs, you can do it

And again, Nathan, that was real impressive, how you were able to see your own part in this and try to rectify the situation. Good for you!

Posted By alysaria on 12 Nov 2009 05:46 PM
Like sbalbom said...it's not necessarily cheating so much as not a clear concept of commitment. >.> We may not see the seriousness of a relationship the same way other types do.

Yeah... I dunno. I feel if there's one thing that I would be commited to, it would be a romantic relationship - or at least, I'd hope so. I don't think I could ever string someone along - the last thing I'd ever want to do would be to hurt someone I care about, and I can't imagine getting involved with someone I don't care about...

>.> Hmm...I suppose it's difficult to comprehend because once you reach that level of a relationship, commitment is kind of obvious.

DOG ANALOGY! INTJs are like german sheperds. You're devoted, kind of territorial, and protective....and every relationship brings people into your sphere of territory.  ^_^ ENFPs are like sweet-tempered mutts that just let anyone and everyone wander through the yard as long as they scratch us behind the ears....we're a little too friendly with everyone. However, there's always the one person that has most of the affection and attention of the ENFP. Therefore, the ENFP not in a relationship is like a puppy....running around slathering kisses on everyone who crosses their path until they get "adopted." >.> The trouble is, you have to train a puppy not to wander off....because they don't realize right away that the new home is where they have to stay.

Social connections to an ENFP are par for the course.... unlike INTJs, we assign roles to people (and assume that they have done the same). As long as the connection is there and we feel accepted and needed, everything is all happy. I tend to think of INTJs as having extensions of themselves as opposed to social connections. Friends and family in the INTJ sphere are on a pedestal, set at the same level as the INTJ - this makes them simultaneously receive the benefit of the doubt as well as the same high expectations that the INTJ has on himself or herself. In each of these cases, you were at a different level of understanding. They did not perceive the assigned role of boyfriend. Your expectation was that once you reached that point, because they were close enough to be an extension of you, it should have been understood. I think a good portion of the jarring realization was that they did not live up to your standards and crashed beyond the point of being able to give them the benefit of the doubt. >.> And since they were an extension of you, it was like a personal failure. -hug-

If I could be a dog, I'd be a beagle. woof!