I came to the realization today that I think I have the Hero Syndrome or something similar. I find that I'm extremelly attracted to a girl in distress. My first serious relationship was with a girl who's father had died about six months prior. For some reason, I felt I had to be there to help her through all her issues even though she obviously didn't want me around and emotionally abused me over the 1.5 - 2 years we were together. My current gf I was not very interested in at all when we first dated. We broke up and a lot of drama went on between us. She really hurt me worse than anyone had hurt me before, but I probably deserved it and brought it on myself - either way, she was heartbroken and then went through a lot of drama with her mom who ended up kicking her out for really lame reasons (her mom is psycho) and I got back together with her. I realized today that the biggest thing keeping me with her is knowing that she needs me, and I'm pretty much the only good thing going for her right now. Ironically, this is what kept me from breaking up with my ex for soooo long. I felt like if I wasn't there, she wouldn't be able to make it on her own. When I found out my ex (who I hadn't talked to for a while) had a fling with a guy who was in a relationship after I stopped talking to her, I nearly had an emotional break down - I felt like, "I knew it! I left her and she's thrown herself away. I failed her!" I was drunk at the time, but did manage to freak her out I think. She was obviously fine enough to get married like a year later.

There are numerous other situations where I have been very attracted to "damaged" girls. I never even really thought it through till now. Heck, I was even at a party a few weeks back where I went in knowing only my friend who brought me. Being my ENFP self, I ended up meeting and befriending everyone there. The police came by to complain about the noise (it honestly wasn't that loud, but then again, a guy did show up with a bagpipe..) and the girl who was the host started flipping the hell out. Next thing I know, I'm trying to calm her down and even end up starting to clean up the house and put some of the dishes away, which did work and made her laugh and relax some.

Do I have such low self-worth that I force my way into making people need me? It's really more with girls than with guys... mainly because I don't know how to console guys. The few times guys have cried around me, I found myself feeling awkwardly useless. When girls are in distress, I find myself getting involved when it's not even my place to be involved.

How do I fix this? Obviously, it's harmful to myself and others. I get myself into situations like the one I'm in where I have become such a crutch to a girl that she depends on me wholly and realize that I have completely sacrificed my own needs and desires to the point that my relationship has come to feel like a burden.

After saying to yourself, 'I want to help her', ask yourself 'Can I help her?' You really need to get your logical thinking cap on for these kind of decisions. If you haven't strengthened that aspect of your thinking, ask a close fellow trustworthy INTJ. I have a friend that's extremely similar to what you described. I'm really happy to be able to speak some basic insight into his life when something comes up like this that I see so perfectly logically clear will break his heart. Sometimes he listens, sometimes he doesn't... I feel very 'I told you so' often, because he doesn't trust my judgement....until he's hurt.

I feel very similar to some girls when I see boys mistreating them. I can't stand when girls are in a bad relationship with some asshole. I think to myself, maaaan, if only she could date me, I would treat her like royalty and show her the love she deserves. But then, I logically think she has made her choice for reason X, Y and Z and she will need to fend for herself. Sometimes you just need to backoff even if it hurts to see it. Don't OVER-help, just show appreciation and care.

Try initiating different methods of 'councelling' if you're knowledgeable in that area. You can still use your amazing "I want to help" skills without taking it too far over the line and getting yourself in trouble (jumping into a relationship to help fix her). This will help you to satisfy the need to fix people without causing any major problems. Help to fix the problem for her, don't become another problem.

What's 'wrong' with you is you're letting your ENFPness to take full rein on the situation. You ENFPs have INCREDIBLE people skills but need to be cautions to not be TOO helpful. Give yourself sometime and think about it logically (or get someone to help you with the logical part). 
 

Same! I do this too.  Im trying to lurk unsuccessfully.

Sounds to me like someone needs a few more INTx friends. Tell us a situation, and ask "now, be honest, don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. I understand you're only saying it to help me, not hurt me. To show me where my weaknesses are and help me strengthen them. I need an honest opinion from someone I can trust" but you have to mean it, and be prepared to feel like you've been lain out on the operating table and analyzed, coldly and clinically, but you'll get such an honest look at yourself it'll amaze you. You just have to be really prepared, and know that they're not trying to hurt you, but to tell you to your face what people would normally say behind your back, and also know that they're saying it out of love, and only because you asked. You can't take their honest words out on them, because that tells them you're not really ready to hear the truth, and that you were just digging for compliments, and an INTx is not the place to go for that (and they'll let you know it).

My ENFx friend asked me that question and was not prepared for the answer. She didn't speak to me for a month, but came back after she had realized that I had not said those things to hurt her (I was cold and brutally honest, but I expected her to realize that I'm her friend and that I wouldn't have been talking to her if I didn't also see good qualities. She hadn't asked for good qualities. She should have asked me to sprinkle those in there if that's what she wanted). And that I didn't sugar coat them because in an explosive situation, neither would anyone else. I'm her friend, I don't want to see her hurt, and I'd rather she hear it from me in a calm situation, than from someone just out ot hurt her. She is now more careful with her wording, but she usually comes to me when she needs a brush with the harsh reality of what the outside world is saying about her. At least she now knows that I'm coming from a place of love, and that I'm not trying to hurt her, but help her not be hurt in the future.

You can't fix it unless you know what it is that's broken. And an INTx has a way of making it clear what that broken bit is. They also like to help you fix it.

Posted By Noodle on 09 Nov 2009 08:27 PM
I do this also, I do this mostly with my friends though.

Part of it is that I like to have my ego petted, but the other is that I can't stand seeing other people hurt.

A couple of months back I read a description of someone with a codependent personality. I could really relate. Perhaps it is the same with you?

http://soulselfhelp.on.ca/CodependantP.html

yup.. a lot of those attributes seem to hit pretty near to home...except the ones dealing with covering for someone who is abusing substances. I guess you could make the case that I cover for other things. With my ex, I'd never tell anyone how she harmed me emotionally for the longest time.