Hi

Me and this girl have been friends/aquantences for a few years now, and recently hit it off into something more than that. We've been doing stuff with each other for a few weeks now, and have had an incredible time with each other. It's the classic good ENFP/INTJ relationship. We are like two completely different shaped puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly to form a more coherent picture, which is fantastic for me, an INTJ, who is very rarely understood by other people. There's been obvious attraction...deep, complex conversations exploring the world and each other..and we both have so much fun with each other...going on adventures, hangin out, kissing, cuddling, all that good stuff! I asked her to be my valentine the other day, and she very excitedly replied that she would.

Suddenly, 4 days ago, I text her about doing something the next day. I get vague responses and after a few messages, she just ignores me. No word from her at all for the next couple days. I figure she just wants some space so I give it to her, waiting for her to hit me up. Today, browsing through Facebook, I notice that she'd become "friends" with her ex, and here he was posting on her Wall about doing something with her on Valentines day. She replies, publicly and enthusiastically, with a big "fuck yeah, I LOVE YOU!".

There is some crazy history with this guy, her ex. They've been in a bad relationship for over a year.. full of breaking up, and getting back together, over and over. This last time they broke up, though, was different. It was bad. She said things that, as she said "can't be taken back". She had talked to me about how unhealthy it was to be with this guy. About how fucked up she thinks he is, how much she utterly despises him. This was her last stand and she was, apparently, completely done with him. And it lasted for a couple months...way longer than any other time.

But, here they are, apparently getting back together. Her obviously ignoring the fact that she knows it's a huge mistake. And here I am, calm and rational on the outside, but full of intense, conflicting, out of control emotions.

I don't know what to think or do. We had a great thing together. I care about her. And she's just totally throwing it out the window with a seemingly complete disregard for me, my feelings.

The logical part of me is wanting to say fuck it, I'm done with her. She's dangerous, manipulative, unstable, and has no place in my life. I don't play games. I can't tolerate blatant disrespect and disregard from someone I am close with.

The other part of me, the part that feels, (ironically, the part that she's been helping me discover and express) is wanting to try to help her. To offer my support and to stop her from getting back together with this guy. To try and solve the problem. And I like to think that I'd be willing to help stop this relationship from forming with him, even if it means that me and her as anything more than friends is done with either way.

I'm trying to make this brief, but I think I should bring up one more thing. I was browsing through another personality forum in hopes of gaining some insight into what is going on in her head, when I cam across "The 10 Stages of A Depressed ENFP".

http://personalitycafe.com/enfp-articles/10708-10-stages-depressed-enfp.html

She has mentioned a few times that she's been feeling depressed for a while now. And she exhibits some bad anxiety sometimes, where she'll just close herself off from everything going on around her. It seems that she may be going through this depression cycle, and if I had to nail it down, would put her at Stage 6:

Stage Six: The ENFP will start lashing out at other people like above, but more extremely. Will most likely show complete and utter disregard for authority. They will also start hurting the people they care about, to make them back off and go away. All the while the ENFP, through the stages, will try to convince themselves that nothing is wrong and that they will get better, and thus the problem worsens.



Any input would be greatly appreciated.

I don't know what to think or do.

People couldn't pay me to put up with this kind of drama. But go save her! It should be a fun experiment, not to mention great comedy.

Hi satwk & welcome to the forum

I'm afraid you can't save her, it's not your job to save her. She's a person who is allowed to make her own mistakes and the relationship with her ex is clearly not over, she's not done with him. We can say mean things about someone when we still have feelings for them, (i.e he was bad, I'm so over him etc.) and not entirely mean it. You need to let her go and you need to let her figure out for her own if she has a future with her ex. It seems that their history counts for more than the recent romantic history you share with her. I'm also afraid that your words won't carry much weight with her. You are biased since you have feelings for her, she won't necessarily listen. What they have needs to run it's course. If she's indeed depressed, she needs to seek professional help to deal with it.

You can also set up a boundary for her and not tolerate the behavior and never be with her again. I don't know whose loss that'll be. You can only control your actions, and you are certainly entitled to being upset with her and be angry with her. The ENFP 'fade out' is famous. She avoided you so she didn't have to hurt you or tell you in person that she'd gotten back with her ex. At least you got an explanation.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope you find another great ENFP to be with. She is following her heart, you can't fault her for that...