I think I need a bit of help. I’ve started dating an ENFP and he’s brilliant. I really am infatuated with him. But dear god! I just don’t know what to do sometimes. I feel like I need some kind of cheat-sheet because it’s just so much. 

He’s always asking me what I’m feeling and thinking 'right now'. How should I even answer anything like that? I just freeze up trying to come up with an answer. Are there some automatic responses ENFPs like to hear? I’ve told him before that I am just not capable of expressing myself in that way and he seems a bit hurt, as if I’m holding back (and what's wrong with holding back, by the way?). And am I supposed to be asking those questions back? Because that would never occur to me in any normal kind of conversation.

Additionally, I find it confusing that he has this amazing clarity of thought and wonderful sensibilities in just about every aspect, while on the other hand, he talks of us as souls mates and spending a lifetime together when we’ve only been dating a few (intense) weeks. I just smile and nod as I’m not easily frightened by such talk, but isn’t he setting himself up to be hurt? Do ENFPs always act so vulnerably or is he just trying to impress me in some way? (the latter would almost be a comfort). 

Furthermore, is it typical for an ENFP to work so hard to seem impressive? I found him impressive to start with, he is quite an impressive guy, and an amazing person.  But he still puts on such a show, and all his efforts to make me see how impressive he is are a huge turn-off (I've always hated the pretty girl/rich guy game in all of its variations) and I don’t know how to tell him that he can just relax, because I don’t want to seem mean. Any tips there? 

Oh! and while I find the whole ‘we are all interconnected’ thing cute, it seems he really wants me to agree with him. If I just pretend to go along with it (it seems a silly topic for discussion as it’s so vague and subjective) do you think he’ll notice?  

I just want him to relax, and I want to be able to fulfill his touchy-feely needs as the relationship progresses but I just cannot match his level of intensity forever without burning out, and I was wondering if there were any suggestions on how I could wade through some of this stuff. 

He’s always asking me what I’m feeling and thinking 'right now'. How should I even answer anything like that? I just freeze up trying to come up with an answer. Are there some automatic responses ENFPs like to hear? I’ve told him before that I am just not capable of expressing myself in that way and he seems a bit hurt, as if I’m holding back (and what's wrong with holding back, by the way?). And am I supposed to be asking those questions back? Because that would never occur to me in any normal kind of conversation.

He cares for you and trusts you, I'd say. Thinghs that might go around his head may be: "I told her how i feel, why can't she tell me too?" (I believe he is telling you it?) or maybe he even thinks it's a bit unfair that you don't tell him how you feel when he is so open about his feelings (I suppose he is open about his feelings)

An 'automated response' would not be something he would like, i believe (We don't like fakeness very much). I know... you are an INTP with Ti Ne Si Fe... expressing your feelings is difficult for you. I'd say, be as honest as you can be about your thoughts and feelings and that has to suffice. If you're being honest, he will see you are trying to give something to the relationship too. We appreciate honesty, generally speaking.

If my girlfriend would be behaving like that (always asking how i feel), and i was in your position, having problems expressing my emotions, i'd probably do the following: Tell her that it is difficult for me to express what i am feeling, but also tell her that i like her the way she is and that i also want her to like me the way i am.

Then again, i am a guy, and maybe you should ask a woman about something like that

Another question: How old is he? Also, you are sure he is an ENFP?

@TheJan: Thank you for the advice, I suppose he is rather open with his feelings, and I can see where sometimes things may seem one-sided. He is 37 and I am very sure he is an ENFP. He is able to put on a 'T-hat' for work, but he is sooo not an ENTP. In fact, some of the things he says and thinks are almost word-for-word out of the ENFP literature (which is a little funny).

  @Zsych: He is very smart, he's invented several things and has taken it forward to the point to where he sells them internationally (high-techy stuff). He is generous and has a leadership role with several charities and schools (internationally as well as local). He is very well rounded in his education, and can speak several languages. He is always learning and designing things, and his mind never slows down. Also, he is rather attentive which is amazing for someone so busy. He will go out of his way to make time for me. Further, he is just such a happy person, so carefree, spontaneous, not bossy or controlling at all, but for some reason I just want to follow him along like a lost little puppy.

So... yeah, I'm no ENFP (as you can probably see), but I can also easily see how ENFPs can be overwhelming after a while. I also haaaate being put on the spot like that ("what are you feeling right now!?"), but, at least in my dealings with ENFPs: your strongest/most attractive quality is your honesty. I very much doubt that there's any automatic response he's looking to hear.

I'm not sure how to get one to see that they don't have to put on such a show around you.... but at least it's been my experience that they will start dropping it over time. I'm trying to think... because I don't know any ENFP girls, I've only got normal guy-friends (/my brother) to go off of, but they seem to be pulled in lots of different directions, all the time; he's probably feeling pulled to entertain you so you have a good time, but also pulled to find someone who (like you said you want him to) chill out and stop 'entertaining' so much. To be honest, I think over time the "I want someone who understands me well enough that I can chill out around" will win out in the end, because even ENFPs don't have unlimited energy. Getting that point across gently, though, is... difficult. It's a delicate situation, because you might hurt him if he's putting out the effort to entertain you, and you aren't at least appreciative of his efforts (even if you don't like the energy). So I'm not sure exactly how you could "actively" do it... but I think you can probably speed up the chilling-out process by showing interest in things that secretly matter to him personally, but that he doesn't expect other people to appreciate. You're an INTx... you probably have a powerful brain... put it to use by trying to learn what he really wants, rather than what he just seems to want. And whenever you're unsure, simply ask. He'd probably also appreciate it if you said "sometimes you seem to want this, like back when you did [whatever], but in this other situation, you seemed to want [contradictory thing]. Am I missing something that made the difference to you between those?" or things like that.

This sounds unrelated... but to be honest, I don't think it is. I think that he'd likely note that you care more about how he feels in different situations than you do about all his efforts to entertain you--but he won't be personally hurt by it, because you're still showing interest in him as a person (like distracting someone with a shiny object ).

That's at least my best largely-theoretical answer for you. Again, I don't know any ENFP girls, but it's my best guess based on the guys that I interact with so often.

Teal, just be honest and open. Let loose a little bit and enjoy each others' company. Actions speak louder than words anyway. If you feel comfortable with him, it'll show in your body language and overall disposition. Don't overextend yourself in a way that is not true to yourself. Hope that helps.

Thanks guys for all of your help!  

 It's been 8 years, I will solve this I just need more time.

A little bit of truth and a whole lot of humour..

If only she made sense! 

Working out our MBTI's has been a great help we are more at ease with each other.

 We are getting there. Our interests , cultural bond and our love for each other, has got us through the confusion and all that can arise as a result of that..

Posted By Trance City on 18 Feb 2011 07:39 PM
Haaa... ENFPs aren't quite that scary.

Hehe. I have a feeling they're probably a bit scarier to INTPs than they are to most INTJs...I know that ENFJs scare the crap out of me, though.

Hehe. I have a feeling they're probably a bit scarier to INTPs than they are to most INTJs...

I know that ENFJs scare the crap out of me, though.