One of the purposes of this website is to be the ultimate resource for ENFPs.  I want there to be ENFP guides for careers, love, friendship and figuring out how not to lose your keys.

Now that our membership has grown to a significant portion of INTJs I would like to have some INTJ manuals on how to interact with ENFPs

I put forth a challenge to our INTJ community for the purpose of helping INTJs and ENFPs.

I want the following manuals I’m figuring 2-4 pages long.  (can be as detailed as you like)

1. Joy of ENFP Friendship – how to meet, befriend and maintain friendship with ENFP
2. Working with ENFPs – How to leverage the strengths of ENFPs, minimize weakness, maintain maximum efficiency and increase productivity.
3. Dating and Love – How to successfully find, date, and maintain a romantic relationship with ENFPs

Please include graphics, charts as you wish.  This will be a fun project which will only help the author’s skills.

I am happy to give you full credit or for you to remain anonymous. They will be enshrined on their own page and have their own link.

If  there is any other types we are so happy to have too. Ie: INFJ-ENFP, INTP – ENFP, ISTP - ENFP

One of my best guy friends is an ENFP. We originally were interested in each other but after 3 weeks shifted to just being friends due to having incompatible life goals. We enjoy each other's humor. I help him to see the details and help him process through emotional times so that he doesn't make rash emotional decisions. I support his visions and goals while encouraging him to implement steps to meet his goals. He asks me how I feel and is a very good listener. He helps me calm down when I get emotional and I talk through my emotions with him until I get back to baseline. He's amazed at how I can go from being all upset to being perfectly fine in one conversation. We are both very loyal friends and are very supportive of each other. We disagree on politics and other things but I always feel respected by him and I think he'd say the same about me.

One of my ex best female friends is an ENFP. She betrayed me years ago. Even though I forgave her, I chose to never be friends with her again because she broke my trust. I still miss her even though it's been many years. I think about her a lot. But, I stuck to my decision because I believe it is in my best emotional interest to do so.

I dated an ENFP male. I got swept along with him at the beginning ignoring my inner voice that said "this is moving too quickly. we need to slow down". He was like a giddy school boy though so it was hard to not get swept up. He had no dating experience and as such had a very, very, very unrealistic view of women and relationships. He quickly fell "out of love with me"' as to him "love" was the emotions that you have at the beginning of a relationship. I was devestated. I don't know if that is common with ENFP men or just the relationally immature ones.

1. Mutual respect. If an INTJ doesn't respect someone, they can't be in a relationship with them....and an INTJ likewise needs to be respected by their mate. Without it, you have an insane amount of pent-up frustration that will break free when the first glow of new love wears off. An ENFP also needs to be able to respect their mate, otherwise they will build up a fantasy of good qualities around them that will eventually crumble and end in disappointment and sorrow. An ENFP who does not feel respected does not feel wanted and will start to distance him or herself from the relationship or take on the characteristics of an abuse victim.

2. Independence. An INTJ needs to feel confident and competent, and part of that comes from having time to themselves to assess their goals. ENFPs need to feel free to chase inspiration - feeling closed-off or trapped by a mate is horrifying...and codependency can feel like torture. Both value trust that comes with independence as well.

3. Communication. INTJs have very specific wants and needs....and these must be brought up in order for a mate to be aware of them. ENFPs require reassurance and it's important for them to talk about their feelings in order to make sense of them and process them.

With patience and understanding. It's more about going through every possibility and letting his extroverted intuition run wild than making any serious plans for the future. >.> And trying to control or limit an ENFP is a recipe for disaster. We're very territorial about our independence.... If you give an ENFP enough time to work through all of their excitement and fantasy, they'll eventually relax a bit and consider the now. But you were a bright and shiny new relationship and he had to admire it and talk about it and imagine everything that could possibly happen between you.

Think of it as a brand new puppy that you've just adopted - during the car ride, he's running from window to window, looking out at the scenery. You get him to your house and he's quivering with excitement, his little tail wagging a mile a minute as he explores everything, sniffing out every new smell and bouncing happily. Then he turns his attention to you, smothering you with affectionate kisses and wanting to PLAY and RUN with so much energy he can barely contain it!!! But dogs aren't always puppies....and the newness eventually wears off for them. They still like playing, running, exploring, and affection....but it's not an immediate, consuming NEED!!!!

Posted By Deborah-OT on 24 Jan 2012 10:12 PM
How could I have slowed down his school boy "rush" into "the future" with me [....] without making him feel squashed?

AGREE to rush into the future and SHOW that you share their enthusiasm (which you almost certainly do anyway), but offer to manage the process is a concise and workable fashion that will guarantee BOTH of you actually DO ATTAIN personal success, rather than just taking an arbitrary and disorganised stab at it.  Make sure the partnership is smattered with small and large successes for both of you, and manage small setbacks.  Gee that sounds like a lot of effort doesn't it!

Clearly you had better not be lying about your intentions, or else that will become a horrible betrayal with them dragging you into the future with your parking brake firmly on - it might take them many years to discover this.

Once the "dream" relationship has been shattered for the male ENTJ with all "feelings" gone (even though many of his friends say that he is consistantly talking about the ex and they don't think it's over) can it be revived? Or does he just feel that all romance, and thus hope, is lost so he wistfully dreams of a "more perfect" relationship/woman in "the future"?

Posted By Deborah-OT on 25 Jan 2012 07:58 PM

Once the "dream" relationship has been shattered for the male ENTJ with all "feelings" gone (even though many of his friends say that he is consistantly talking about the ex and they don't think it's over) can it be revived? Or does he just feel that all romance, and thus hope, is lost so he wistfully dreams of a "more perfect" relationship/woman in "the future"?\

Incrediblemind, what did you mean by "offer to manage the process in a consise and workable fashion"? What does that look like exactly?

I was definitely fully invested. In fact he felt guilty that I was still in love with him when he had lost "the feelings" but still loved me. Obviously, the fact that I'm writing about this is indicative that I'm still trying to work though/process it all. I'd just never dated a man who was so hot and then cold in such a rapid time frame who went from planning to marry me to not being "in love" anymore. I'm inclined to think it's more his immaturity rather than he being the typical ENFP male but I truly don't know. ???

Posted By Deborah-OT on 25 Jan 2012 08:07 PM

what did you mean by "offer to manage the process in a consise and workable fashion"? What does that look like exactly? 

Well, as you may well understand, INTJs are really good at looking at a jumbled mess and turning it into a stellar plan - thats sort of what we do well.  "What it looks like" will depend on what needs to be done, so there is no "exactly" until the problem is analyzed "exactly".  But basically I referring to just "helping" in the way that the INTJ does.  What you have is an excited person looking toward the future, and that is a really valuable thing.  I certainly wish I knew people like that.

The point I'd like to reinforce, is that your original question was "How could I have slowed down his school boy "rush" into "the future" with me, within the 1st few days of dating me, without making him feel squashed?"  My assumption is, that the whole reason to slow him down was to ensure a successful outcome for the relationship (in contrast to an overheat followed by subsequent explosion), rather than to placate your own feelings.  If this is in fact the case, then you must try to negotiate some compromise, and I am suggesting one of an assisted (at slightly-lowered velocity) outcome, in contrast to a high-velocity outcome that is fraught with disaster and failure.

If you ARE trying to reduce velocity exclusively so you can feel safer without any real intention to ever be a part of their plan, then you should be prepared for a fairly severe retailiation once you have been found out. 

Hoping that was clear, as it was quite a handful..

Yes, you were correct. The purpose was to "ensure a successful outcome for the relationship". A compromise being what though? "baby, I'm excited too but really want to take things slower so that I can get to know you better"? or something like that? :-P My attempts of stating to him that we needed to get to know each other better were met with confusion by him as he felt that he would tell me everything and there wasn't really anything else to know and trying to draw me out didn't feel "authentic" to him so then we were both frustrated. I'm guessing he was getting frustrated feeling that he wasn't making me happy and I was out of sorts with feeling that things were going way too fast and we really needed to slow down and get to know each other better. It all fell a part before we could get to the place beyond infatuation to real intimacy. I don't think it needed to  have died but he placed everything on his feelings so when those left, he wanted to also. Granted, he felt guilty and sad about it, but left he went nonetheless.

I hope I've cleared up that I had always had "intention to be a part of his plan", but wasn't given enough time to get there. I'm sure that I made INTJ mistakes along the way too as I certainly understand that my personality is wrought with flaws. Sigh...

Thank you for your insight and for taking the time to write back. I greatly appreciate it :-)

Posted By alysaria on 26 Jan 2012 06:25 PM
[....] when you wanted to slow things down, he took it as rejection. 

This will also catch out an INTJ if they're feeling vulnerable.  A good summary.  An brilliant thread actually...

Alysaria, that was a typo on my part. I meant ENFP males. So, same question but for ENFP males. Great insight in case I ever date an ENTJ male though :-)

What do you think of the following question from earlier post: "Once the "dream" relationship has been shattered for the male ENTJ (ENFP) with all "feelings" gone (even though many of his friends say that they don't think he's over the woman) can it be revived? Or does he just feel that all romance, and thus hope, is lost so he wistfully dreams of a "more perfect" relationship/woman in "the future"?