Which family member(s) drives you crazy and why?  Which type do you think they are?  Have you learned anything through this relationship?

That's really weird because I thought about my INTP father when I originally read this OP. He likes to pick fights/debates. Find topics that he KNOWS I will completely disagree with him on and then press it, and it's like really?. The whole time he is debating, I intuit all these faults to his logic while he's just trying to think about what I've told him. I'm constantly saying: "Well, you see the problem with this conclusion is..." But he always does it.

My ENTJ sister-in-law also used to drive me crazy, because she can't stop talking, and acts like she is smarter than the batch. No, woman, you aren't smarter. In fact, you mess up facts, probably because you have told the story SO MANY times that each time has slightly warped in your braggadocio and exaggerated storytelling.

I love both of them, but they used to both drive me nuts on occasion. I have stopped feeding in to it and just started letting it slide, and just acting really P about it.  I'm only about 65% J, so that has definitely helped.

My ENTJ sister-in-law also used to drive me crazy, because she can't stop talking, and acts like she is smarter than the batch.

I apparently have very E FP siblings... I just tested my brother and sister and they came out to be ENFP and ESFP respectively... I was really surprised.
At any rate, in regards to who pushes my buttons in my family, I'd say that my brother (89%-extroverted, 63%-intuition, 58%-feeling, 68%-perceiving) is the worst. He has always been incredibly competitive with me/wanted to be me. He would introduce himself to people as me as a kid...he wanted to be the bigger, "superior" brother. Over the years, he has mellowed out. His temper (he has/had? a terrible temper) has gotten better. He has more control over himself now. At any rate, he is quite good a manipulation, and he was incredibly adept at it as a kid. There was one time where he hit me with a lacrosse stick incredibly hard and I told my dad, but he was able to talk his way out of it by claiming it was self defense (I had been trying to prevent him from hitting somebody with it who thought he was joking) and I(!?!?!?!?!) got in trouble. He knows exactly the right things to say to piss me off... it's ridiculous. He's really smart as well, so he is quite adept at his irritating endeavors. I hate his bossiness/desire to control. He gets what I'm saying, but his value system is so different from mine.
And then there is my ISFJ (79% introverted, 74% sensing, 58% feeling, 89% judging) mom... she's a really sweet woman... incredibly kind and loving... but she's SOOOOOO overbearing and so illogical. She seems to believe that because she's my mom, she has earned/deserves my respect. She couldn't be farther from the truth. I would always get into trouble as a kid (I got grounded for a YEAR once... ) because I wouldn't follow the rules because there was never any logic/explanation behind them. It was always, "because I said so". If there had been a good reason behind it, I would have listened... but noooo. She is always pushing her religious beliefs on me (fundamentalist christian) in a very loving manner... but that makes it all the more annoying. She tried to pray over me over my shoulder for 2 hours recently (I can't believe I put up with it for that long), so, to get her to stop, I told her that if she didn't quit I would take a huge bag of chips and dump it on the tile and crush them like grapes for wine. She didn't quit... so I did it. (I didn't do it in the carpet because that would have been just plain cruel. It would have been nearly impossible to clean up...). She lectures me like crazy, or utilizes very obvious implications and comparisons. She doesn't appreciate my uniqueness... by her own testimony she tried to "break my spirit"/personality as a child. Her ideals are based upon the values of people around her... she doesn't really think for herself. I can destroy her in any argument... but she never ever backs down... it's infuriating. Thankfully, now that I have a car I don't have to be home much, and I never get grounded for some reason. Now that she and my dad (who is awesome... >ISTP (95% Introverted, 95% Sensing, 68% thinking, 79% perceiving)) are divorced, she has lost any semblance of authority that she ever had. I'm pretty sure I got my appreciation for logic from my dad, now I think about it... but that's another issue.

Tenso.

My brother is an idiot, doesn't do his homework, and blatantly lies, yet he's actually smart. Bothers me.

My older younger sister is a pushover. Takes criticism way too seriously, then hates you for it.

My younger little sister doesn't usually push my buttons, but she's the cuddly one in my family, and that get's to be a bit much at times.

My mother won't employ logic unless you engage her with logic. Otherwise she's irrational and blows everything out of proportion. She's also a serious technophobe.

My dad occasionally chews with his mouth open (part of his upbringing, no table manners). Bothers me like no tomorrow.

In short, no one I know and care about actually can push my buttons seriously. It's people I don't know who I encounter in public that push my buttons

I think I've come pretty far in terms of tolerance for family members, but there are still are a couple of people that make me want to ignore an invitation and keep my distance.

My ESFJ aunt, who is a very kind person in most regards, cannot help herself from giving constant unsolicited advice to anyone and everyone. She comes to immediate conclusions regarding all of us that are too often negative and wrong. She's become the self- appointed, new matriarch after my grandmother passed, and I really don't feel like we need a new matriarch. You can't fill a grandma's shoes and the relationships aren't there for this kind of over-arching reach. And I kind of resent the way she dominates my mom and makes fun of her every chance she gets. There is certainly NO making fun of her in any large or small way as she reacts soooo dramatically and personally to anything less than a glowing compliment.

I also have an ESFP friend who is more like a sister since we've known eachother since first grade and grew up together. She's very similar to the aunt in that she does not hesitate to freely comment on and judge everyone else's actions, but has no tolerance for even the tamest suggestion that there may be another side to consider. She also talks non-stop about herself and has no qualms in repeating a story verbatim countless times no matter how many times we've all heard it or what else may be happening in our lives. And she really has no recollection of anything happening in my life after I mention it. It's like I'm talking to a stranger every time.

Even though I usually keep my mouth shut or speak very carefully and diplomatically with both of these women, they get a good read on my body language and know that I'm kind of squirming listening to them. They react by being more judgemental and confrontational. So I end up thinking, "Why in the hell am I subjecting myself to such a one sided, uncomfortable, and unfulfilling relationship."

It's a diffiicult conundrum when you're an ENFP. You want to maintain relationships to the point that you're willing to subvert your reactions and your opinions, but then it ends up being painful and meaningless. So when do you say enough, and how?

Posted By BirdsallSa on 08 Feb 2011 03:56 PM

And then there is my ISFJ (79% introverted, 74% sensing, 58% feeling, 89% judging) mom... she's a really sweet woman... incredibly kind and loving... but she's SOOOOOO overbearing and so illogical. She seems to believe that because she's my mom, she has earned/deserves my respect. She couldn't be farther from the truth. I would always get into trouble as a kid (I got grounded for a YEAR once... ) because I wouldn't follow the rules because there was never any logic/explanation behind them. It was always, "because I said so".
 

"Because I said so" was my ISFJ mother's mantra, too.  I wonder if they have some kind of secret ISFJ mom school.  How about "If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about."  Does that ring any bells for anyone?

The crux is soo many S types are use to people agreeing with them. They are the majority. So I find ways that I can agree, because I've learned that many of them have a fit if you don't. They're kind of spoiled in this regard. But then I'm not being myself and expressing my thoughts as they are. I'm more trying to get along, and it's not reciprocated. And it doesn't really feel genuine and ends up with me wanting to not answer the phone. I think this is the reason that ENFPs act introverted at times and need time to build up energy. It's kind of exhausting to try to meet the needs of others while subverting your own.

Preach it, Sister!  One thing that has helped me is realizing that it's always truthful to say something like, "You could be right."  (I mean, it's possible I'm wrong.  Not likely, but possible.)  Other useful phrases:

"I see your point."  (Right there on top of your head.)

"I never thought of it that way before."  (And I never will again.)

"If I were you, I'm sure I'd feel exactly the same way you do."  (Completely factual.  If I were you, well, I'd be you.  Of course I'd feel the way you do.)

 

This particular ESFP got worse after marriage as opposed to better. It may be due to the fact that she married an INFX, and they have become more disconnected as time goes by. There's not much talking in her household as she has squelched out genuine conversation with her N mate, and she is angry about the quiet. Honestly, I relate much better to her husband. But she's a good person. A bit sanctimoious and self centered, but we all have our flaws.

But the real issue for me is being an ENFP and learning to balance being ourselves and maintaining important relationships. I find myself sucking at this as I get older. Or maybe I'm just growing tired of busting my ass to make other people comfortable without reciprocation.

The crux is soo many S types are use to people agreeing with them. They are the majority. So I find ways that I can agree, because I've learned that many of them have a fit if you don't. They're kind of spoiled in this regard. But then I'm not being myself and expressing my thoughts as they are. I'm more trying to get along, and it's not reciprocated. And it doesn't really feel genuine and ends up with me wanting to not answer the phone. I think this is the reason that ENFPs act introverted at times and need time to build up energy. It's kind of exhausting to try to meet the needs of others while subverting your own.