I have an INTJ cousin, he's either 26 or 27, and he just recently became an unwilling father.  He never wanted kids.  He's still with the mother, and has, begrudgingly, stated that he will pay for the child (whatever that means), but wants nothing to do with it emotionally or physically.  They don't live together, but they're a couple.  He still, apparently, blames his girlfriend for the unwanted pregnancy as she was supposedly on birth control.  He wanted to put the child up for adoption.

My aunt (his mother) is definitely an ENFP.  I would guess his dad is INFJ.  They've always walked on eggshells around him and continue to do so, despite their strong feelings that he is woefully failing to do the right thing here.  He also still lives at home and doesn't pay anything towards rent or household expenses, despite the fact that he has a full-time salary coming in, albeit from work-comp and disability.  So, he doesn't work.  He doesn't pay for anything at home.  He doesn't help around the house.  His mother, who was at the hospital when the child was born, and who has stated clearly that she fully intends to have the child in her life and at her house, still has not pressed him to look at the baby's picture.  The girlfriend brings the baby over at times when my cousin won't be there, so as to not make him uncomfortable.  When he's been ever so slightly pressed on the full meaning and extent of his current obligation, he states that he offered to "pay" and if that's going to make him asshole in every one's mind, then he shouldn't bother paying.  This sort of tactic seems to work with his parents.  They back off.  It seems that they're grasping onto whatever tenuous connection they have with their son, no matter how manipulative and self-centered he acts. 

So, beyond being an unhealthy family dynamic, I'm wondering what the INTJs think about his attitude and position?

Don't let it go just yet. Have you made it a point to approach him about the matters one-on-one? I highly recommend that he see a psychologist. Perhaps if someone completely objective could enlighten him, he would feel inspired and use the given advice to really figure himself out and decide that he's tired of being depressed. Job loss can cause a tremendous amount of depression, especially if you really loved it and if it paid you well. I know exactly where he's coming from on that. As far as not thinking he would be a good parent and blaming it on his own father, this is typical of people who had a parent or parents who were belligerent alcoholics, abusive, or completely neglectful. It could be very possible that he's afraid that he's not sure how to love a child because he never had a good example himself. My question is: Are the parents coddling him now because they feel "guilty" for something(s) that happened in the past?

While I agree this is possible that it has to do with some history of abuse, etc., Trance City (and I'm curious to maybe hear more details), I don't completely feel it is necessarily the case that he would act this way because of abuse. My parents are still married, desired me to develop as my own individual, and definitely loved and do love me, but if I were jobless, living at home, and suddenly my girlfriend was like "*Bam*, I'm pregnant," I personally would still think myself incapable of taking care of a child. I would see that my parents, although, they weren't perfect, really cared about me and I would see the hardships they went through and I would be scared that I couldn't do as well or do the job as perfectly as I would like. Moreover, I would see that I wasn't happy currently, and what I never wanted to happen, did happen and feel like being there for the child both emotionally and physically as I am (and might continue to be) would be to accept responsibility and dive in and work to raise this kid. I would see the status of my life, and I wouldn't want the kid to have that influence in their life - because I would feel that they deserved better. Meanwhile, the cousin's girlfriend might be one of the only things that makes him feel slightly happy, so he wouldn't want to lose that but accepting responsibility for the child means actually accepting responsiblity and he feels scared/incapable of the job, so he is potentially offering money just as an attempt to avoid the real ramifications of the situation.

Caprice, I do think you should talk to him or at least not give up on the situation just yet, either. If anything, just to let him hear your side of the story. It might make him re-evaluate a few things, and it would probably be a very good thing for him, especially if he is a very big recluse. ENFPs can be invaluable in waking us up, and making us realize just what we are doing and what we should be doing to make us feel happier. Would your cousin be able to take some classes or something? Something that could challenge him and teach him soemthing that he can feel good at? Being a "HUGE recluse" isn't exactly good for anyone, even an INTJ, so maybe if he had something else going on in his life that made him feel more competent, then he would feel more competent at helping to raise a child. I mean, probably one of the biggest steps to being a good parent is to just being there.

@Trance City: My cousin's parents haven't been abusive or completely neglectful. They're just run of the mill pushovers who are so conflict avoidant that they've failed to set standards, rules, expectations, or consequences. I do agree that the outcome is essentially the same though. It's sad. I really like both of their kids. But they're a bit spoiled and self-centered. This is most evident in the way they take advantage of their parents, as they are both generally kind and likeable in other situations. But, as I've said before, there comes a time when you have to take responsibility for your own behavior and life, and grow yourself up despite your parent's mistakes.

Anyways, thanks again to both of you. Your posts helped me to understand his state of mind more and empathize. I'm strongly considering writing an email to him as he seems to do best online in the way of open communication. I agree that some counselling would definitely help, though I'm not sure he would take that suggestion well. I may be wrong. But whatever I say, there's more of a chance that it will be heard and considered thanks to the above input. Thanks again!!

It's so interesting to hear the INTJ perspective. You guys are so willing and able to "cut ties," it's really quite an alien point of view to this ENFP. So, Optimaler, you wouldn't consider your parent's rights and interests in being involved with their own grandchild as a mitigating factor in the situation? I think his parents do fear that he will become like my dad, a stubborn recluse who holes up for the rest of his life based on some principle unexplained to the rest of the world. I certainly don't want to instigate here. That's why I'm asking the INTJs. Can you think of a helpful way to address the situation? We have always had positive interactions, and I think the N people in my family recognize that I'm an ally, and that I "get them." Although I'm certainly learning a lot more here.

Posted By optimaler on 04 Mar 2011 01:20 PM
Ahhh, so it's not as bad as it sounded. Hard to really convey situations properly in silico.

"In silico."  I love that! 

 

Posted By caprice on 17 Mar 2011 10:37 AM
Thanks for the insight. Honestly, I agree with you. Sometimes I get momentarily caught up in the "why" or the sad aspect to a reality wondering if I could help. But it is what it is.

This is not uncommon, trying to fix people  only results in a great deal of energy is wasted, all one can do is behave appropriately and honourably and leading or teaching by example, a few subtle, well worded comments at the right time may enlighten the people involved but that is the best anyone can do.