I've often wondered how much influence my father has had on me, both for the good and the bad. At one moment he could be extremely loving and encouraging, and at the next he could be angry, irritated, and condescending to the extent of emotional abuse whenever something didn't go his way. While I loved my Dad, (and I'm quite confident that he loved me), I was terrified of him and his negative reactions throughout much of my childhood. And I think it may have played a big role in the perfectionist that I am today. My father, and my family in general, stigmatized making mistakes so intensely that I learned to be really hard on myself as a defense mechanism. I fear making mistakes way more than is healthy, so much so that I get really nervous when I'm trying to do something new for the first time. It's like I think my dad is going to jump out from behind a tree and and start yelling at me if I mess up. 

I don't want to emphasize this fear too much, because I've actually been getting a lot better at dealing with it, (both the fear and my dad), in recent years. However, I think it's had a fairly significant influence on how I've developed as an ENFP. I have a natural love for variety and change that is expressed in all of the socially acceptable parts of my life, but I haven't been much of a risk-taker/adventurous type in the past because of my perfectionism and desire for people to like me (or perhaps not be upset with me). This is a big internal conflict for me, as I idealize the courageous adventurer/risk-taker/eccentric type above almost all others, and I want to be more like that myself, but my perfectionism (which stems from my desire for people to like me, including Dad) has held me back from being more like that. 

Have any of you had similar experiences with any part of this, whether its the parental difficulties/influences on your personality, or the conflict between wanting to be perfect and a crazy eccentric risk-taker at the same time? Any insights? Most people here are iNtuitives, so my guess is that you do.

I can relate. As an NF with an ISFP mom and an INTJ dad, there was a certain lack of validation. But in retrospect, I feel like it helped to balance me in many ways. They were both perfectionists, and I'm trying hard to shake that influence off, but neither of them were stifling, so I feel lucky in that regard.

You seem well adjusted, so I'm inclined to believe it's just a case of claiming your individuality and accepting that your parents love you and did the best that they could. It sounds to me like they did a pretty good, though maybe flawed (hey, that's the human condition) job.

Much of what you say is part and parcel to the ENFP reality, and is more of a personal balance and struggle than something you can attribute to an particular style of being raised. We all just have to work through it. Just be who you are.

I'm going to follow the above post with a personal anecdote. After my grandmother died, our extended family got together to plan the funeral, and my aunt asked me to write and deliver the family eulogy. I was extremely close to my grandma and was feeling very emotional about the loss. I didn't want to say no, but I stated that I was going to cry while giving the speech. That was an undeniable given. My dad started laughing and said, "Oh that'll be great, you just standing up there bawling." My aunt rolled her eyes and said, "Just ignore him. That's o.k. if you cry. I think you would do the best job though." So I agreed, despite the fact that I really don't like giving speeches on a good day.

I really poured my heart into writing the eulogy. It was a sad time, but the speech was a celebration of her life and what she meant to me. It was hard to get through, but it was genuine, tears and visibly choking back more tears, laughter. In the end, most of the people listening were also crying and laughing and even commenting out loud. I had numerous people come up to me and state things like, "That was beautiful. You really captured her personality and what I loved so much about her." etc... But maybe the most gratifying compliment was from my dad who said, "That was nice. You did a good job." First of all, my dad NEVER gave a compliment he didn't fully mean. Second, I know that he would never have had the guts to give a eulogy and there was admiration and gratitude in his eyes when he said it. And third, it was at least a moment that we could both agree that sometimes imperfection is better than perfection.  It's real.

Posted By DCIdealist on 14 Mar 2011 03:30 AM
Although my Dad isn't sparse on praise. He's just more inconsistent. He'll go from being my biggest fan at one moment, with tons of praise, to wondering how he raised such a stupid child the next.

I think that's actually a strong motivator for ENFPs to develop further, as they like challenges too much.

I mean, if a person offers praise often, I'm pretty sure that most ENFPs won't find that as appealing to them as the praise literally transcends into compliment. Wouldn't it be true?

My father, and my family in general, stigmatized making mistakes so intensely that I learned to be really hard on myself as a defense mechanism.

Posted By caprice on 22 Mar 2011 11:16 AM

My father, and my family in general, stigmatized making mistakes so intensely that I learned to be really hard on myself as a defense mechanism.

I was more referring to this. Making mistakes is part of being alive. Not to say that they can't be addressed, but stigmatized? It didn't sound like he murdered anyone.

But I agree that overpraising leads to it's own set of problems.

Is 'forgetfulness' a common trait amogn ENFPs?

I always felt upset toward them as they constantly forgot to bring in something which I've asked for. Oh, and not forget to mention with this ENFP, he seems to always lose personal items like keys, wallets, or cellphones.

Posted By Avery on 22 Mar 2011 11:40 AM

 

Is 'forgetfulness' a common trait amogn ENFPs?

I always felt upset toward them as they constantly forgot to bring in something which I've asked for. Oh, and not forget to mention with this ENFP, he seems to always lose personal items like keys, wallets, or cellphones.

Well, I don't know if that applies to all ENFPs, but it certainly applies to me, especially when I was a child.  Drove my mom nuts.

 

Yes, I can definitely relate to lost keys and missed exits.

Posted By fleetwell on 22 Mar 2011 02:42 PM
Scatter-brained? Yes but I prefer "Omni-perceptive". Prone to forgetting/losing things? Yes but I prefer "Impromptu scavenger hunt".

Way to look on the bright side, fleetwell!  I think I'm going to adopt the "impromptu scavenger hunt" phraseology.  "Hey, everybody!  Let's have a scavenger hunt.  Who can find Lauren's keys?" 

I just did this with the little boy I nanny (aged 2).  I couldn't find my cell phone when I was getting ready to go home tonight, so I said to him "let's play a game, can you find [my] cell phone??!"  While sometimes he does know whereever whatever I lost is, this time he took off like he knew exactly where it was and returned with the TV remote......two-year-olds are SOOOO unreliable!!! 

Scatter-brained? Yes but I prefer "Omni-perceptive". Prone to forgetting/losing things? Yes but I prefer "Impromptu scavenger hunt".

LOL! Yes! I went on an impromptu scavenger hunt for my dish soap today. Places I looked > the refrigerator > the freezer > the bathroom and any other room I've entered during the course of the day. I'm solving the problems of the world!  I can't be bothered as to where I set down the dish soap. It turns out it was hidden behind the paper towels.

I lost fourteen sweaters in elementary school. And my first [and last] cell phone. Etc, etc. xD

My father rarely, if ever, says something kind to me. He exhibits a lot of the symptoms of controlling parents [controllingparents.com], but I suppose it is also a cultural thing. In many Asian cultures, it's considered a bad thing to say words of praise to your child, because then they stop trying to do better. [Which is completely untrue--I mean, if you tell a kid his drawing's good, he's not going to stop drawing. >.>] He has extremely high expectations that I always manage to somehow meet, but never exceed. He has stated that he doesn't care about my emotional state, often telling me that once I go to college, he doesn't want me under his roof, as well as belittling my opinions/saying I don't matter. Not often enough to the point of lasting damage, but eh, I've pretty much detached myself from caring.

This next paragraph is pretty much just ranting, so you can go ahead and skip it. xD He has a rather volatile system of reward and punishment. Everything I've ever gotten as a reward has been taken away. I received a Macbook Pro for a 2320 on the SAT; he kept taking it away without warning and I had to continuously tell my teacher that I didn't have my work, because it was at home. [I go to boarding school, for those who don't know. ] He took it away again in January because I changed my CommonApp password, and I don't think I'm ever getting it back. xD I got an Android for making all 5's on my AP tests, as well as an 800 on an SAT Subject Test, but I had it for a day before he declared that it wasn't, in fact, my phone, and instead the family phone. He reads my emails and goes through my backpack sometimes, and he wouldn't let me apply to a college because it was in Florida, since I have a friend in Florida that he thought was male. [My friend was in fact female, and lived four hours away from the college. >.>] He read my stories and threw a fit about one because I said I disliked the place I used to live in, and thought the plot of another was taken from real life and that I was in love with a married man. I'm not allowed to go to prom or leave the school building because he found out I participated in the school's LGBT History program. He was going to withdraw me from school the last semester of my senior year, but my friends were in uproar and the school offered me a full-tuition scholarship, which he declined--yet he still complains that I'm driving him into debt and that I should be grateful that I get to go there. I have no permit and can't drive or go to anyone's house/spend the night.

I think what makes me the most upset is the way he treats my mother, rather than me. He rarely says a kind word to her, blames her for things, and may or may not be having an affair--I'm not sure, because he kept brushing my mother off. >.<

It's very, very hard to see things from his perspective, but I understand that he's very stressed at work, and we have two mortgages--we haven't sold our old house yet. His childhood was also rather hard, and his parents probably treated him worse. [Even though my mother had a similar if less harsh childhood and is still rather affectionate.] My mother says he shows his love by working hard for us, but I counter that money isn't the same as love. His family was the poorest in the village, and the fact that he's risen so far means that he doesn't want me to hinder that meteoric rise, or put him to shame, I guess.

How has it affected me? I'm very passionate about justice and discrimination, and thoroughly despise privilege-denying or irrational taking away of things. I used to have extremely low self-esteem because even though I placed in every contest I entered, I never got first place and my father never congratulated me. [Until recently, and there was still no congratulations. xD] I do think that I've reached a lot of my potential due to my father, with some cost--I never felt close to anyone until I started living in the dorms. I can force myself to shrug off/stop caring about my friends if they stop talking to me--even if they were really close, I'm able to block out everything. That might not be because of my father, though? I dunno, it's rarely happened, but the few times it did, I was kind of surprised at how much I didn't feel.

Everything he made me do was in preparation for college, but it's still not good enough [I got waitlisted at UChicago, which is kind of good, but not really]. I've gotten really good at lying and covering my tracks, even though that's probably not a good thing. As I've grown older, I'm more able to detach myself--but there's always a sense of bitterness, that I have to force myself not to care about what my father says. I'm able to brush off anything that happens to me, ever since I got hit with a tennis racket in 3rd grade--I dislike the attention and pity, but I still need to tell someone, so I'll mention it in passing, laugh it off, and change the subject. It helps with other things that have happened. I think I've actually become less perfectionistic--because my father's demands are so high that I know I can't reach them, so I try my best but don't beat myself up anymore when I don't do as well.

I think it did damage part of my romantic relationship--I was seeking the attention and reassurance that I never got, and when he continually failed to provide it, I grew dissatisfied. But there are things about my relationship with my father that I can't change, and I'm not sure if they ever can be, so I've pretty much resigned myself to it and buckle down in preparation for college and freedom. A friend's dad said he was marveling that I was so well-adjusted. xD I dunno. I do credit a vast amount of my supposed "intellect" to my father's efforts--I wouldn't have had a head start in math if he hadn't forced me to learn algebra in 4th grade. His methods, I suppose, needed work, but his intentions were in the right place.

Also, I apologize for the length of this post. xD If you read all of it, thank you.

Sakari's post

I feel like my mother was somewhat like that when I was in high school. Now that I'm out of her sphere of influence, it's not so big a deal to me. I can't imagine what having a parent like that would be though.