Sakari, the poem you wrote was amazing and deserves praise regardless if it "won" any award. I'm sorry he isn't able to see that or see that his power and control issues etc.. etc... may drive you away. We all see you for what you are. A light. The world needs you to disregard his negative influences and be what you were meant to be. You've done extremely well with this so far. Just keep on. 

Thanks so much, everyone. A few more months left before I head out. *crosses fingers*

Posted By DCIdealist on 14 Apr 2011 03:04 PM
Kind of a funny thought though, that in my attempts to remove negative parts of my personality, I'm trying to get rid of my perfectionism. If I stop wanting to be perfect, will I still be a perfectionist, since I did it for the purpose of coming closer to the ideal person???

Don't do it to become an "ideal" person.  There's no such thing, anyway.  Do it to become a more effective person.  Do it to become a happier person.  Do it for the sake of sanity.  You don't need to perfect yourself, you're quite good enough as you are.  The only reason to make any changes is for the sake of your own health, happiness, or self-empowerment.  As a friend of mine used to say, "Don't perfect--optimize."  Do the best you can with what you have, then let it go.  When you hear that nagging, critical voice in your head, just tell it to shut up. 

  DCIdealist,   I think you're Dad may be a little like my mom, like I said below, she controls in a really passive-aggressive way, and I think she may be a little co-dependent now that I know what that is.  She tries to control by shame and making me feel bad like that too.  She's ultra conservative, and I'm more artsy and communicative, and we always have trouble seeing eye to eye.  I think it bothers her still that I am so creative and colorful.  She's embarrassed by things like that; therefore, she has kind of always held me back in some ways.  It's been a struggle for me to really be confident in my artistic and creative abilities b/c she just doesn't get it and kind of always wants me to do something else.  It's really hard as an ENFP b/c we are such people-pleasers.  

 I'm struggling with that right now, still trying to please her, but do the opposite of that (which would make me grow and ultimately be happy).  And I think that's what you may need to do too DCIdealist. 

  Your dad sounds like he trying to control the same way, my mom is ultra nit-picky and nothing is good enough, and she just has to always let me know when I am doing something different from how she would.  That's hard growing up as a kid b/c I think we all look up to our parents initially and want to "be" like them in some way.  It's hard if you realize your not like them and try to fit into a mold you're just not able too.  Do you know what type your Dad is?  You could probably try to help things by reading and learning about his type and how ya'll relate to each other?  It might not make everything perfect, but it may help both of you communicate better.

Perfectionism is tough, and it's even worse with a parent that's overly concerned with it.  We're already our own tough critics.  I know I have that problem with my parents too.  I hate sharing some things with them b/c they love to give me their opinions and they always start with the critical first.  Getting praise from them is like squeezing blood from a stone!  I have had to learn to gauge my own level of success withoug leaning on them.  By writing down goals, and revisiting them often, measuring my own levels of success, and by also not asking for their opinion when it's something that means a lot to me or could crush me if they respond negatively at first which is like they typically do.

I don't think you will ever completely stop being a perfectionist.  It's just our tendency, but you can be nicer to yourself, and give yourself a break.  You're doing the best you can with what you have, you're learning, your changing, you're on these forums trying to become the best person you can be.  You'll still be critical, but maybe you can start learning to apply it differently, or learn to use it somewhere else instead of internally.  Plus, perfection is a myth.  We're all imperfect, but growing and learning is part of the ride of life.  Haven't you ever learned or completed anything that you knew nothing about in the beginning and now you are good or even great at it?  It's a rewarding feeling.  Plus, there are so many other great things in life than getting too caught up in perfectionism.  In hindsight, life is actually made up of a lot of little things that equal big things when we look back at them.