For me, I find that the solution as to why the enfp finds it hard to bring closure to projects, or remains immature at an older age lies in the order of the functions.

As an enfp, the order of our personality functions goes from Ne dom, Fi auxilary, Te tertiary, and Si inferior.

For those already bored and switching off or procrastinating understanding until later, i'll explain it in multi referencing intuition speak.

Ne = Extraverted Intuition. This function is basically obsessed with learning as much about the world as possible. Exploring. Novelty. Thrill seeking. Alien situations aren't scary, just an opportunity waiting to be explored - and strangers - new friends waiting to be made! Ne is amazing. It's like a drug. Constant. Intoxication. And it allows us to understand/ be good at anything with such little effort. Imagine that: skimming all the highs off life with none of the hard work! This is also the danger with Ne - as it is so busy seeing new potentials/ exciting possibilities/ connecting with the novel that it is unable to prioritize in importance these new potentialities in a way that is of long term benefit to us individually. It is also through this function that we can make a million friends. New person= new information= drug rush high. This is where being a Feeler and a Perceiver becomes significant. Extraverted Intuition is a perceiving function (a function that gathers information on the world. Hoards the stuff) and having a feeling function (which acts as our judging function) in the second position means that the world is filtered through how it makes us FEEL. Thus we will commit to a million things/ people in the moment and feel ABSOLUTELY 100% commited, but as we are already in our heads *feeling* what the closure of this potentiality will be, when it comes to actually doing it (aka taking care of boring details) we will often procrastinate, because we no longer *feel* the driving emotion that is our catalyst. This is where enfp's often lose others trust if they are not careful; and why they are so commonly seen as 'flaky' or 'not caring'.

Specifically, our second function is Introverted Feeling. This function seeks INTENSE emotional experiences. Mostly happiness and connection (thus the enfp propensity for using their intuitive abilities to transform the world into our own personal play-pen.) Unlike extraverted feelers, who are prone to emotional outbursts we often see as quite vulgar or unsophisticated (especially if the Fe is under-developed or in an inferior position) our emotions are kept extremely private. Fe is the small talker of the types - it holds people to social norms and expectations - seeking to look after the *groups* emotional well-being on a superficial level in order to keep everything running smoothly and allowing Fe Ti users (every type that has extraverted feeling has introverted thinking same as how every type – like us! - that has introverted feeling has extraverted thinking - it's quite elegant really) to have an intensity in their inner thinking worlds.

To get back on topic, Introverted Feeling manifests itself in creating a rich value system based on core individual universal 'truths' that are then extraverted to others – for example, the 'treat others how you would like to be treated' or 'Karma' seems to be a founding principal of the enfps often unconventional morality. This function reigns in our thrill-seeking Ne somewhat into a moral framework. It also gives enfps a drive and an ability to 'go deep' with people on their first encounter. Small talk is seen as an annoying obstacle to accessing someone's inner world, so with our Fi unlocking their natural defenses with kindness, sincerity and integrity our Ne scans their inner realms to see if there is anything potentially new, exciting or stimulating. If there isn't we may get bored of that person as they are too structure bound or sensory oriented to consistently satiate our dominant function for new information. It sounds cruel, and many people resent having been 'manipulated' into sharing their inner realm. Introverted Feeling only has the best intentions though so we are naturally hurt at being seen as 'flakes', 'immature' or 'unreliable' - but it's an understandable defense mechanism of people whos natural defense systems were skillfully and guilelessly infiltrated by a raw zany enfp authentically brimming with good intentions but ultimately transient if our interest isn't piqued in an interesting way. These people are then left open and vulnerable as their emotional defences lack the sophistication and depth of the enfps. Enfps ourselves can’t take the criticism that by exposing another person emotionally we are being emotionally irresponsible and immature, as we do it in our service to create a world where everyone is open and loving with everyone – and once we’ve shown an individual their potential for true happiness we get bored with the details of its realisation. As most people are not capable of seeing/ discussing/ critiqueing or helping our vision (aka we have to work at it by ourselves despite being extravters – an extremely lonely exercise) we see them as having no right to judge something they have, and can only have, limited understanding of.

Another symptom of Fi/ Ne is our chamelion ability to wear many 'masks'. Extraverted intuition, coupled with introverted feeling, allows us to 'read' others, and access the part of our multi-dynamic personality that would make that person feel comfortable, all the while not being truly 'ourselves' as we are too busy analyzing the external stimulus. It takes a long time for an enfp's trust to be earned - as most people can't take our natural intensity we learn to moderate and tone it down - even enjoy doing this (even though we long to share our inner being and have it validated for true self actualization) - for the purpose of 'inspiring' others. To extrapolate: Ne allows us to see all the positive potential people have, and Fi/ connecting with others on a deep level drives us to show them their own potential - thus we ultimately fulfill ourselves by bringing others deep happiness and purpose. This fulfills both our intuition (seeing possibilities) and our feeling (connecting with others, bringing happiness) and also allows us to avoid addressing the more humdrum sensory maintenance type activities we routinely procrastinate (ie housework. Or study. Bah).

Now to get to the crux of the OP's problem - being 32 and still being unable to find closure: whilst Ne shows us our own (and others) potential, and Fi allows us to live in a moral way - if the Tertiary Extraverted Thinking or Introverted Sensing is not developed there is no self discipline to bring closure to projects or learned ability to postpone short term pleasures for long term tenacity/ depth of satisfaction. This is also one reason why the enfp has so many transient friendships – we hide it from ourselves, but it takes us a long time to develop trust in another person – and to trust them with the whole of ourselves. Often the interaction we have with our potential friends is far too short to develop the strength and depth for it to be truly fulfilling and long term for us. This is where tert Te can be good in giving us staying power.

Extraverted Thinking is the function that organises objects/ people into systems - bringing in efficiency and functionality (like how extraverted feelers take care of the the social 'groups' emotional well being for an intensity of thought, the extraverted thinker provides efficiency and functionality to his world so they can enjoy their intensity of feeling.). Extraverted thinking doesn't give a shit about how people 'feel' as long as they are doing their job efficiently, and up to standard. Te also shows no sentimentality - even if something is a cherished tradition/ a standard operating procedure/ passed down from authority, if it doesn't 'work,' the Te user will scrap it.

While Fi holds back from controlling people (or being controlled), wanting people to reach their own happiness and self actualization through individual validation and affirmation, the Te will come in like a sledge-hammer, ignoring the individual, but optimising the system. As Te *seems* to stand in such direct opposition to our other judging function Fi, (in not wanting to hurt/ control others) and as Fi is our only anchor in our world of constantly shifting ideas, thoughts, patterns and people, enfps will tend to hide this side of themselves, only letting it out in private. The Te is almost a source of shame – as it could bring into doubt our mass love for all humanity. Also the brutal efficiency with which it can be wielded offends our pure and romantic Introverted Feeling function. Unfortunately for us, it is the development of the Te which will allow enfps to bring closure on the many projects they begin, and bring long range vision and satisfaction into their lives (ie not having to rely on the constant drug highs of the Ne.) With this developed, enfps can actually be very successful as they can bring their impressive intellect to bear onto the world and stick around long enough (and be accountable for) to see their intuited potentialities actualised.

Te also sets the otherwise non existant personal boundaries for an enfp, and allows the enfp to assertively express their values in a rational, non threatening way. Another benefit Te gives is that it allows other’s to see enfps as ‘real’ and ‘accountable,’ earning us the respect we don’t think we need but secretly crave. Also, enfps have a tendency to bottle our own negative reactions, not wanting to bring negativity into our interactions with others. This bottling is a symptom of an over-active Fi/ under-active Te – but, if there comes a time where the enfp ‘snaps’ all hell will be unleashed – the Te bitchslap will systematically break down and vilify the person treading on our values – using all the data we have collected on that person through Fi to spew forth vitriol and ensure the retribution is as emotionally destructive as possible (and yes, ‘data’ is a rational term!). The enfp is always very sorry after, but our third function is our defense mechanism – rarely tripped but extraordinarily destructive if wielded wrongly.

Thus the enfp is the rational of the feelers and developing this rationality brings all sorts of goodies. For example, the development of this third function also serves the function of transforming the ‘manic-depressive’ enfp (a symptom of Ne) into someone far more stable, confident, and assertive. The highs are less high, there is less reckless manipulation of others feelings, but also it stops us from our morbid fears of being out of control and the deep depressions we sink into when we have to spend time by ourselves. In fact, time by ourselves thinking and analysing is a core need for the enfp – why we are often seen to be the most ‘introverted’ of the extraverts. Not because we’re shy neccesarily, but because our intuition requires alone time AND people time to recharge.

It is also my belief that people fall in love with their third function – as it is who they can be in their resting state, and having a partner enjoy this side of them means they don’t need to switch themselves ‘on’ for their partner as they have to do for the public.

These are the three functions I can speak upon with confidence, as I have not done too much research on the fourth – Introverted Sensing – beyond knowing that it is the function that relates to the material world AS IT IS and organises it into symbols based on past experiences. As it is our weakest function it is extremely immature and thus for the enfp can be where our (often irrational) fears or obsessive behaviours are generated. Also why we dislike spending time by ourselves to engage in routine type tasks because we to face dealing with the mundane – something not stimulating to our Ne and thus downright terrifying about not having a clue how to do. As I said, not sure about the accuracy of my information on Si, but pretty sure my grasp of the first three functions are pretty air-tight.

PS, sorry for such a long post!
 

Erm, I think it's easy to be attracted to someone who exhibits your weaker functions (Te, Si) because you can then use them as a crutch and avoid your own self development of these functions. I think this is what they call 'anima' attraction. For example, I may be attracted to an ISTJ because all my weakest points Si, Te are exhibited by him and visa versa. However, this kind of relationship can only proceed along happily whilst my last two functions remain under-developed and I NEED him (also, while his Fi and Ne are under-developed and he NEEDS me). As the purpose of a relationship (beyond love, companionship etc etc) to my mind is to find someone who supports your weaknesses, is nourished by your strength and who provides a springboard for mutual self growth, one where an individual (specially if that individual is iNtuition dominant!) is forced into stagnation so the relationship can continue to work is simply not healthy.

 According to one theory (unsure if it's Keirsey or Myers Briggs) the most important function when it comes to building a sustained and happy relationship is the first. So, for example, my first function is Ne, therefore I would want someone who has the opposing intuitive function: Ni (aka either an INTJ or an INFJ - INTJ I might find better because they have the same internal judging systems I do, whilst an INFJ is Fe, Ti, consecutively).

But, if I was an INTP - with functions Ti, Ne, Si, Fe - I would be most compatible with a Te dominant - either an ENTJ or ESFJ. Same for if I was an INFP - Fi dominant, (then Ne, Si, Te) I would be most compatible with a Fe dominant (ENFJ or ESFJ).

So when I say 'people fall in love with their third function' (which is still a theory in my own mind so I cannot verify it's absolute truth as of yet) I think for ENFP's specifically to find the non manic-depressive type happiness we need to develop our third function OURSELVES. Being around someone who can facilitate that without the shame we instinctively associate with it means that we 'fall' with both our emotions (which, let's face it, we can do with almost everyone and anyone - always seeing the good in people is a bitch like that) and our rationality (which scans for long term functionality.)

Specific goals are the best, but it's also good to have the details of how to realise that goal - otherwise I find all my best laid intentions fall to the wayside and I am easily distracted by the new shiny even if the initial goal still remains important. I read on a different thread that it's important for ENFP's to make lists of their goals which they can re-visit every so often to track their progress. I'm still in the process of motivating myself to the goal of setting goals .

I NEED time alone. I used to resent this time and put it down to me coming from a family of rational introverts (well..... two INTPs, one ENTP, a ENFJ and an ESTJ) because when i'm switched on in a social environment I am ON. I am high, and I never want the party to end - so in my mind I think that in the perfect world it would just be 24/7 party years. But, through the years I have come to see that the long walks I take by myself to 'think things over' and the irritibility I get at small talk nattering or even being asked how my day was if I don't retreat from the kitchen to my room fast enough are signs that I very much value my alone time in delving into my thoughts in my analysis of the big picture. If someone wants to talk big picture with me one on one, great! Super stimulating! But if they don't~ can't = get outta my way!

Agree with the friendship thing as well - we still FEEL the connection - but perhaps it fades for them because they need something more solid to form the foundation of friendship--- aka as well as love and happiness (tick, tick) they need to respect us, and trust that we will be there for them when we need them. An accountability of sorts. It's tough to be able to provide those last two ~ for me at least.

And I just wanted to add an amendment to my post above about why the functions are ordered as they are (I was reflecting upon it and I think I hit an answer) The question being: why is an introvert judgers perceiving function first? The answer to which I think is - if you are a judger, you use an extraverted judging function. Therefore it HAS to be the second function for an introvert - as the very definition of their introversion means that they gave an introverted function (in this case the perceiving one) first. Make sense?

Thanks, Flammable Muffin...I think I have a better grasp on the functions now. I think I finally got it when I realized that it is the two middle "pairs" (N/S, T/F) that are being "modified" by the outer pairs ("I/E" and "J/P") to produce the four personality functions. I think it's a pretty clever system to break the population down into meaningful sub-categories. Then again, there might be lots of other potential classification patterns out there too that would work as well.

In any case, I definitely identify with a lot of my fellow ENFPs. Especially what you were writing about holding up a facade outwardly even as we appear to be very open and encourage others to drop theirs. It would be kind of evil if it weren't so totally artless. I don't mean to do this...it's just a pattern I find myself perpetuating. One justification I have for this kind of behavior is that people very frequently don't want to know the real you with your oddly shaped psyche (and, yes, messy house). They often prefer to be fascinated with the mirage.

I also chuckled when I read this:

Erm, I think it's easy to be attracted to someone who exhibits your weaker functions (Te, Si) because you can then use them as a crutch and avoid your own self development of these functions. I think this is what they call 'anima' attraction. For example, I may be attracted to an ISTJ because all my weakest points Si, Te are exhibited by him and visa versa.

I am married to an ISTJ who is constantly finding my glasses, taking care of all the detail-oriented things around the house etc. etc. It's kind of cute in a "what would I do without my [schmoopy nickname redacted]" way...but I also realized that if I'm not careful my relationship is going to end up fostering my own incompetence.

Posted By BlueGuitarGirl on 04 Apr 2011 09:54 AM

Thanks, Flammable Muffin...I think I have a better grasp on the functions now. I think I finally got it when I realized that it is the two middle "pairs" (N/S, T/F) that are being "modified" by the outer pairs ("I/E" and "J/P") to produce the four personality functions. I think it's a pretty clever system to break the population down into meaningful sub-categories. Then again, there might be lots of other potential classification patterns out there too that would work as well.
 

I think that's an excellent way of putting it. Well done!

In any case, I definitely identify with a lot of my fellow ENFPs. Especially what you were writing about holding up a facade outwardly even as we appear to be very open and encourage others to drop theirs. It would be kind of evil if it weren't so totally artless. I don't mean to do this...it's just a pattern I find myself perpetuating. One justification I have for this kind of behavior is that people very frequently don't want to know the real you with your oddly shaped psyche (and, yes, messy house). They often prefer to be fascinated with the mirage.
 

Yes, I have a theory that our personality disarmament wouldn't actually work if we tried to use it for evil - as it is our very authenticity that lures other personality types to play. And 'oddly shaped psyche' - LOVE the way you put this. So true. Danm shallow personalities! The thing is, we search through a breadth of people to find someone else who has an oddly shaped psyche which can keep us guessing, keep us stimulated and entertain us. I read something very interesting on the differences between ENFJ and ENFP. ENFJ's lead with Fe and so have a tendency to hide the depth of their personalities - showing a very superficial small talking version of it - whereas ENFPs are seen to be more authentic as we hide the breadth of ours until we probe (drop hints/ test the limits) to see if the other person can take us or whether they would be overwhelmed by our 'oddly shaped personalities. Therefore we will show our depth  - but may only reveal one or two facets out of our dozens. I also seem to find that the older i get and the broader my interests, the more alters I am able to develop.

I also chuckled when I read this:

Erm, I think it's easy to be attracted to someone who exhibits your weaker functions (Te, Si) because you can then use them as a crutch and avoid your own self development of these functions. I think this is what they call 'anima' attraction. For example, I may be attracted to an ISTJ because all my weakest points Si, Te are exhibited by him and visa versa.

I am married to an ISTJ who is constantly finding my glasses, taking care of all the detail-oriented things around the house etc. etc. It's kind of cute in a "what would I do without my [schmoopy nickname redacted]" way...but I also realized that if I'm not careful my relationship is going to end up fostering my own incompetence.

Hehe, schmoopy nickname redacted! Danm ENFP's and their ability to turn the most serious of people into tellytubby playthings! I'm glad you have happiness in your marriage . I think as long as you keep aware of your own self development in the relationship any type can work.

Okay. Still getting the hang of this quotation thing.

 

Posted By fleetwell on 04 Apr 2011 02:37 PM
You seem to have studied this stuff pretty closely. Do you have any advice on how us starry-eyed ENFPs can strengthen that "Te" function and bring our ideas to fruition? I see you mention breaking goals down into smaller steps and that's something I've certainly begun to value more over the years, but if you have any other bright ideas about how to become better at focusing and prioritizing...

...I'm all ears!

Oh, and before he left, he came to my birthday party (in march) and gave me two massive antique tomes that cost him $110 and $70 respectively. One is an archive of ‘A century of journalism: Sydney Morning Herald from 1831 to 1931’ – in line with the journalism degree I am currently finishing and the other is Eleanor Fortescue Brickdale’s ‘Golden Book of Famous Women’ – poetry about women by men from the 1800s – in line with my oft and vehemently expressed feminist opinions. Another gift he gave me before he left? That of the promise of friendship, AND telling me he always saw me for who I was no matter how I presented. And that we were 'two peas in a pod'

Wow...thanks for the magnum opus-like response! Reposted below so that I, and others, can read it more clearly:

----------------------

Quoth the Muffin:

"Well Mr Fleetwell, the secret as I see it is to get DETAIL ORIENTED BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes. I find the concept terrifying too. First, let me preface this answer with a story. Mine own in fact. Also, it's a bit long so bear with me. Firstly, I have been incredibly blessed to be raised in a house with incredibly liberal parents - they sent me to a performing arts school, gave me drama tuition and singing tuition for six/ 8 years respectively - and then let me hit town like a sledgehammer when I came of age. When I was 18 I went on my first trip overseas (NZ from Australia) for six weeks by myself, then organised myself and my (now ex) bf a trip to the snow, joint family trip to Thailand, closely followed the next year by a trip to Europe with my (now ex) best friend. Thus, I was allowed to satiate my over-active Ne from a VERY young age. Any new experience I craved. I had it. I saved my own money, and kept waiting for that one high to last and pin me down from one of my many million 'projects' into a lasting vocation, or way of life.

So, three boyfriends in as many years (plus plenty of that time spent single/ playing around). Oh, and I also got this fabulously ENFP type job called 3 Minute Angels where you basically spent a six hour shift going through about 3 or 4 hotel/ bars and offering neck/ back and shoulder massages for as much as people think its worth. Basically it polished and sharpened my then shy people skills to its now gleaming polish and got me REAL comfortable in my own skin. I realised, through analysing my insecurities, that the most attractive way to present to people was through confidence - and saying whatever garbled sheeeeit came into my mind with supreme confidence that it would be well received and thta people would drop their pretentious facades and jump on board the fun train. I rationalised that the ordinary person was so filled with their own insecurities that they simply weren't going to mess with someone who had supreme social confidence - and the more i practised presenting this confidence, the more it became truly a part of me. Plus, it was excellent in breaking down walls and showing empathy. For example, I would hear someone was an accountant, and instead of the polite "oh? Is that interesting?" (i'm silently judging you, you DANMED capitalist bastard) I would say something along the lines of, "do you enjoy selling your soul for a profit?" jovially, of course, it's all fun and games here, i'm breaking through their walls in a FUN way. This would open the avenue for some joint teasing = connection through conflict. The way I see it, is if you present as rosily unjudgmental, people assume you are hiding your judgement. Now, i'm not actually that judgemental, i just bring to bear all the stereotypes associated with different occupations, things that i notice about people as a starting point to my explorations.

Okay. I went on a massive tangent. Apologies.

Europe was pretty much a failure. I went to please my best friend, saved up 10 grand which was spent in 6 weeks. Had no control over the itinerary - in a group of about four girls, and then got completely emotionally stranded over there (so much for investing my trust in one person who my gut told me didn't have the integrity to follow though despite all her promises). Had a massive fight. Stopped speaking to her for four days, made up, went travelling solo for three weeks (the money was sposed to last six months. It really didn't. She was an ENTP. And in terms of sticking to budgets and itineray it was the strength of neither) spent 7 grand, came home to a clingy possessive boyfriend and never spoke to her again. I then spent the next six months of my life trying desperately to establish my Te (didn't know that was what I was doing back then - wasn't really that head over heels into MBTI) but obstacles kept coming in my way. Good friends who took advantage of my need to please for their own self gain. The clingy boyfriend who was moved into my family home who refused to let me break up with him/ move out/ or even not sleep in the same bed as me despite the fact that I 'broke up' with him on average about once a week for about four months. Lessons learned: only date people you are actually INSANELY in love with. The interference in your personal space gets too much otherwise. NY resolution 2010 was to break up with him - yet he only left when I hurt his ego by beginning to date another guy in March. I was also dealing with a toxic workplace which purported to be 'family' but which had a manager/ GM that manipulated people into competition with each other in order to win his approval. TOXIC.

So, I broke down the foundations of my life. Every friend who mistreated me, I extricated. I had learned to be by myself in Europe and I didn't need to contort myself into positions that violated my morality for people who had none despite that they had been in my life for five/ six years apiece. I had one experience with a friend who wrote me a long email which she had hand written, photocopied and then scanned into her computer (a heck of a lot of effort) 'honestly' telling me that by cutting short my vacation at her place (she lived a couple of hours away on the coast, and despite not having a car I trained it down, even though she HAD a car and never came to see me) to go to a work party (the work with the toxic culture) in order to 'hook up with some penis" (her words - describing the relationship I was in for about a year with the clingy bf) I was a) a slut, b) a liar, c) untrustworthy, d) a terrible friend. Whoa. Way to wound. Ironically, the day I got this was the first time I had tried to break it off with the boy - but on receiving this email and bursting into tears - he was there opportunistically with his arms wide open for me to cry into. Despite the email, when she moved to Tasmania I flew down to visit her. The four day vacation shortened into a two day one, after she couldn't be bothered leaving the house, except to go on junk food runs and where she took advantage of my offers to pay for half her groceries despite the fact I was a destitute student and her boyfriend earned $1300 a week. This broke it for me. I needed to find people with integrity, because these 'fun' people in my life just weren't cutting the mustard (she was an ESFJ). Second best friendship: over. I stopped talking to her. Except for one time she called me up for advice. I gave it to her, and then she was like "whoa, where did all this wisdom come from muffin?" I was like "It was always there, if you ever bothered to listen."

Third friendship was with a German/ Polish girl from work who although really charming on the surface, bullied her boyfriend (later husband) in an extremely self entitled and selfish way. After a barbeque where I was stranded 2 hours from home while she spent 7 hours consecutivey crying in her kitchen/ screaming insults at her brow-beaten boyfriend, I stopped talking to her... until she had her birthday four months later and broke down confessing I was her only friend, she needed me and that she was moving to my suburb the next week. I was very cautious in my replies. Then, later on, when the whole party (all five of us. Two of her friends, one of his) got kicked out onto the street from the bar and she started to brow beat her boyfriend, telling him to "sit down, sit the F down" with increasing levels of aggresion until he snapped and pushed her away. Two police saw it and ran up to arrest him. He was crying, but I urged him to get her charged for spousal abuse, knowing that what I saw was the tip of the iceberg, and that despite her being my friend this was the only way she was ever going to get help for her aggresion problems. So they arrested her, took our statements, and I haven't seen her since. Though I hold that my actions were a kindness and I don't think I could live with myself if I hadn't done that.

No wonder we ENFPs find it hard to trust.

Anyway, cut the story short (er), I quit my job, concentrated on finishing my journalism degree (last year now!), got an internship at a local publication, raised my friendship standards, became single - complete excavation of all the toxic elements of my life. All that was left was to re-build. Something I had no idea how to do. I had established that my Fi by itself was inadequate to bring me happiness, or select the friends I needed, but I was yet to develop my Te.

I spent nine months unemployed, living off my savings (a couple of grand) and quite luckily for me I had an INTP in my life who became my constant confidante and got me back in touch with my morals. He also introduced me to his childhood friends whom now live in my area and who are both fun and integrity filled and who I am establishing close connections with now (in the group are a female INTJ, f INFJ, m ENFP, m ESFP and a m ISFP).

NOW I get to the pertinent part of the story. I got another job working at a bar October last year. The job was purely to get my funds up (already planning, as I am wont to do, my escape routes). I have been very well trained as a bar-tender, (despite my natural extreme clumsiness); the constant interaction with people stimulates my Ne and Fi. And I also enjoy the challenge of new drinks to learn, and being speedy as all hell. When I get into caffeinated mode behind the bar serving five people at once I get known as the 'Raging Bull'. The job was supposed to last until uni went back this year, but then something truly excellent happened.

My manager was a much misunderstood, and very much hated INTJ. For the first time I read and reflected back a person – only to find that I was reflecting back myself. I didn’t have to walk on eggshells around his emotions or whims in the bar (he didn’t have any). The lack of pettiness and objective fairness was a breath of pure sweet air. He saw me. ME. In fact, I’m pretty sure he studied me. Fairly constantly. He picked up on my subtle in-jokes with myself people usually don’t get, and I picked up on his unobtrusive presence from across the room and pretty soon we were having deep conversations embedded in subtext. This is the point where I started getting into Myers Briggs in order to make sense of his actions. I've positively spent at least two full days of every week for the last six months studying it, running back to my forums every time I find he does something perplexing, kind or emotionally wounding. Another pattern emerged: I would constantly find something new – get tipped a cook-book, play toy soldiers on the bar top with grenadine for blood, write poetry (about him) which I would leave in my tip jar where I knew he would read it come break. Also, some of the artworks (okay, doodles) I did in that place mysteriously went missing. We had some of the deepest, most stimulating conversations of my life. He also was wantonly cruel with my emotions, but I learned to look past his abrasive manner and tone down my emotional reactiveness. He would ‘over-react’ at the slightest mistake – swear at me over my tills – bang it down on the counter and tell me to COUNT. IT. AGAIN. Basically trying to push me into being confident in my opinion and sticking up for myself. In doing this I engaged Te – and made sure I had every detail covered so that I could stand up for myself. We both used intuition to feel/ think out the other – and found our morality lined up quite nicely.

Although I think my intuition was slightly more explored despite him being 12 years older than me. We both liked having the bar RUN, and we both believed in treating others with integrity (to extend on this it is my belief that self-entitlement is the root of all evil) but INTJs have very little room to be self entitled despite being the system builders seeing as they start off, and continue through life being the most misunderstood and hated personality types. Their defense is Te and this constant bombardment of hatred by people who had attached their ego to their job and then had it trampled on by the objective system builder. I had no investment to my job, I simply wanted to be the best I could be in order to continue living a fun life and not have limits to my emotional or intellectual freedom.

My manager recognised this, and within a month I was promoted to bar supervisor. The shifts were long – 12 hours, and hard. But I loved being stretched, and I loved having my abilities used to their full potential. Pretty much he would run the place and I would run the bar – training the new staff (using my Fi). He also started calling me the “resident bitch” – something that absolutely thrilled me because not only was my Te allowed to poke its head out, it was, in fact, celebrated. I’ve now settled into a role with instinctive respect from my co-workers. And whereas I’ve always had the long vision sight to see what is wrong and the perfectionistic drive to fix it, I’ve always been afraid of hurting people’s egos by mentioning it. He gave me that license. I now introduce myself to new people in the bar as “Hi, I’m Muffin. I’m a bitch. We can have a lot of fun at this bar, but you will do things perfectly, and I will ride you. HARD. Until you get it right. It’s not personal mind. LOVE YOUSE!!!!!”, So good. I pretty much have license to get all up in the ante at people. And the most amazing thing? The sky hasn’t fallen in, and although he is now gone and I’m no longer bar supervisor I’m still head-bartender official like (at 22! So proud.)

He showed me I wasn’t a ditz and that I had it within my capacity to be functional - that my intelligence could be a source of my pride and identity, but I also like to think I showed him he wasn’t evil (I consistently tried to lure him into a relationship, even emailing him telling him I was in love with him – I knew he was terrified of his emotions and I thought the easiest way to show him it was safe was to be recklessly open with mine.). I would always keep my self respect and self dignity though – showing that emotions weren’t and nor should be – a source of shame. He left the bar three weeks ago, with plans to find happiness trekking abroad on his inheritance (how ENFPesque) while at home I stay, running the bar, dodging transient encounters, and building my friendships. I have now postponed my plans to ‘do Europe properly’ at the end of this year post my degree – and instead plan on moving out with my INTP friend. Life is good. Thankyou Te development.

Oh, and before he left, he came to my birthday party (in march) and gave me two massive antique tomes that cost him $110 and $70 respectively. One is an archive of ‘A century of journalism: Sydney Morning Herald from 1831 to 1931’ – in line with the journalism degree I am currently finishing and the other is Eleanor Fortescue Brickdale’s ‘Golden Book of Famous Women’ – poetry about women by men from the 1800s – in line with my oft and vehemently expressed feminist opinions. Another gift he gave me before he left? That of the promise of friendship, AND telling me he always saw me for who I was no matter how I presented. And that we were 'two peas in a pod'

Posted By FlammableMuffin on 04 Apr 2011 07:46 AM

Erm, I think it's easy to be attracted to someone who exhibits your weaker functions (Te, Si) because you can then use them as a crutch and avoid your own self development of these functions. I think this is what they call 'anima' attraction. For example, I may be attracted to an ISTJ because all my weakest points Si, Te are exhibited by him and visa versa. However, this kind of relationship can only proceed along happily whilst my last two functions remain under-developed and I NEED him (also, while his Fi and Ne are under-developed and he NEEDS me). As the purpose of a relationship (beyond love, companionship etc etc) to my mind is to find someone who supports your weaknesses, is nourished by your strength and who provides a springboard for mutual self growth, one where an individual (specially if that individual is iNtuition dominant!) is forced into stagnation so the relationship can continue to work is simply not healthy.

I am currently in a relationship with a man who I would tentatively (since I'm new to this) guess to be an ISTJ.  We do argue a bit!  But I think we provide each other with a much needed balance- I wouldn't really call it a need, but I am grateful that his strengths are the opposite of mine.  I find that he helps me develop my third function (Te is his auxiliary-he keeps the house in order and teaches me to do so as well!), and likewise he finds my auxiliary Fi "calming".

I find this so interesting because I would never have pegged us for a couple at the beginning- we have very different backgrounds and experiences, and for that reason I never thought we would work out- but I guess we gravitated towards each other because we each exhibited the other's third function as one of our stronger ones.

Specific goals are the best, but it's also good to have the details of how to realise that goal - otherwise I find all my best laid intentions fall to the wayside and I am easily distracted by the new shiny even if the initial goal still remains important. I read on a different thread that it's important for ENFP's to make lists of their goals which they can re-visit every so often to track their progress. I'm still in the process of motivating myself to the goal of setting goals . 

Have you heard of The Day Zero Project (dayzeroproject.com)?  It's a website where you can list some of your specific goals you want to acheive- 101 goals in a 1001 day timeline.  Also I've recently come across a website called workflowy.com which looks like a GODSEND for us ENFPs.  I <3 making lists!

when i'm switched on in a social environment I am ON. I am high, and I never want the party to end - so in my mind I think that in the perfect world it would just be 24/7 party years.

Exactly.  I get carried away by it sometimes, I get energised by the spontaneity.  When I'm single it's amazing, but now I'm in a relationship it can be a sore point if I don't rein it in.  Especially since my boyfriend and I have different social groups.

Like Muffin, I was also very shy and lacking in social skills at one point and really came into my own after a stint working in a bar! (I was just a plain ol' bartender...I have to say the 3 minute angel gig sounds sweeeet.) I recommend bar-room work to fellow shy ENFPs. Having an official reason to be there and talk to people really lifted my social anxiety, and because I was very eager to please and take care of people as well as listen and chat customers liked me. And I gradually learned how to approach people and insert myself into ongoing conversations unobtrusively and start hogging all that sweet sweet attention for myself. Mwahahahaha.

Oh, and Fireflies, here are a few threads where ENFP/ISTJ relationships came up:
http://www.enfpforum.com/Home/tabid/55/aff/2/aft/1318/afv/topic/Default.aspx
http://www.enfpforum.com/Home/tabid/55/aff/4/aft/1515/afv/topic/Default.aspx

Check it out. From my own experience, I would say the ENFP/ISTJ relationship is a very difficult row to hoe, but there are also rewards (we are going onto 8 years together now). They are really low-maintainance, but the flip side is they are terribly uncommunicative. I've had to learn the art of forcing a conversation if there's a real problem to be resolved. But if there is no real problem and I'm just freaked out that we're "not talking", then I've learned the thing to do is to leave well enough alone. "Not talking" is the normal default state for ISTJs. Also, it is even more important than usual to be your own person while dating an ISTJ...being joined at the hip all the time with someone of such different needs is bound to be depressing/enervating for the both of you.

I know my ISTJ is an ISTJ for sure because I asked him to take the test online. This he did promptly. But he never asked me what my type was or display any curiosity about what the MBTI is all about! Typical ISTJ.

Back to original post:

Si is basically "internal factual-sensual perceiving"... this comes in forms of, like:

- Memory (==internalized facts, which can then be perceived)
- Feeling your body, pain, when you need to eat/drink etc etc...
- Si is also good at recognizing small details. Se sees many details. But Si can be drawn to very small details.
- Because Si is basically memory, and SJs have it preferred to Ne, SJs prefer what they can remember (Si sees... We did it like this, and it worked, so we should do it again) or what they have been taught. (Since they can remember it well in most cases)
- Si also stores your experiences.
- I guess the best way to imagine Si is like an archiver+housekeeper inside you who keeps it all archived. Si knows where to look to find a specific (Ah also very Si like, Si is also specific about things. Very specific!) memory.
- I also guess Si can access your "inner clock" very well - basically you use inward perceiving to find out how late it is...

Some of the thinghs that make us ENFPs are due to that we have Si as our last (=inferior) function.
- We often seem to forget stuff, and we want to do new things (which means we often discard that which is old / which we have been taught).
- We sometimes are unspecific and prefer the big picture.
 - Once inspired, we can go on without feeling hungry or thirsty, only to suddenly recognize: "Oooops, it is 5 o clock, and i only ate 3 slices of bread for breakfast today without any lunch! Better start eating something" (You don't know how often this happened to me, but i keep getting better  )
- We can forget time rather easily.
- When we forget stuff, we most of the time forget the "small, mundane" things... like our keys. It is always the small details that are still important that we seem to miss.