I am not an Idealist.1
At least, I am no longer an idealist; I have been, and the psychoimmunological reaction against what was, to me, an infection has produced too many and too varied memory cells for that intruder to make me aberrate from my health again.
And it is because of that that I may with immunity say this: if I were to idealise, I would idealise my unheld conviction that these cities will die. That they will die, that their decaying corpses will be carrion for that which their existence necessarily supresses, and that from that abundance new life will overflow.
That as society, mother of the Seduction Community, shunned her runt2; that as I, the host of my former idealism, eviscerated my aberrant self; so to shall physis, the mother, substance, and sustenance of the cities, kill by cytolysis and antibodies3 these vile aberrations within her.
But this nonexistent idealism does not simply hold the cities to be bad, or merely set itself in opposition to them. By Bataille, transgression concerns me here only so far as its presence enables a new synthesis. My unheld ideal is that the infection so nearly culled by its host will adapt, mutate, and diverge into myriad forms. That physis against physis shall from strife and opposition produce a new synthesis.
Pandivergent.
Spiraling towards the stars.
Autocatalytic, shredding accretion and then aberrant again, aberrant again and through aberration and normalisation driving itself towards starlight. Pan, driving itself. Pan diverging, returning less, diverging further. 4
To those who have encountered similar: the seeds of this sentiment were sown a.l*together before the form in which they are now enmeshed, and it is but a vessel for the expression of that which has long5 been within me. [*anton.long].
But which now is nonessential to me. Which is not me, and does not hold me. Still, while nonexistent, is may yet be reborn as a comforting daydream for hard times. A place to rest between my expeditions. A haven, not a home.
Pandivergent.
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1. I’ll be using ”idealist”, ”idealism”, ”ideal” etc. atypically throughout this post. Bear in mind that they’re being used as multiordinal terms, in accordance with the Korzybskian formulation: terms whose semantic relevance is different at different orders of abstraction, and the meaning of which is context dependent.
2. The runt being its earlier, aberrant forms. The forms that, being society and being shunned by society, killed themselves.
3. I’m aware that this term is being used somewhat atypically. Consider: that she will reject these cities as foreign to her future course, and thus destroy them
4. Pan, not paein. That Pan is also highly relevant, though.
5. Since the age of 14 or so, if I remember correctly